I'm Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Our Kids Are In Danger!!!

2011-02-17T12:14:00.000-04:00

This has been boiling up in me for a while now. I see it on the news practically every day, from all over the States. I know it's going on in other countries, and if what I see going on the States can be used as a measuring rod, what's going on in the rest of the world is truly frightening.

Children being kidnapped from their homes. Children being killed left and right. Many by their own parents. Children gone missing from their schools, stores, playgrounds etc. WHY?! What possible reason could someone have to harm these kids?

A mom recently shot her kids to death because they were talking back to her. Hello! They're teens. That kind of crap happens all the time in most families. You get mad, you yell, you scold, you punish. You DON'T pull triggers on your own kids!

Another mom drowns her kids in her car. Another one kills her daughter and hides the body in the trunk of her car before burying the body. An adopted father kills his daughter and then douses his son in chemicals to kill him too.

Here in Puerto Rico we're following a case of a little 5 year old boy who was killed in his own home. His mother claims he fell out of bed. Forensics say he was hit by a blunt object. The case has been ongoing for a year now with no clear resolutions in sight.

Daily I see cases of child abuse reported on the evening news. Daily I see reports of kids being killed by irresponsible parents (and I use that term lightly). At first it was a case here and there. Adam Walsh in '81 probably opened the gates a bit and let people know just how much cases like these occurred.

Then Jon Benet Ramsey's case opened the floodgates entirely and ever since we've been hit with case after case after case of children being killed by their parents, the very people entrusted to care for them, to raise, them. TO PROTECT THEM! And the question remains...WHY? It's gotten to the point where I can't bear to watch the news for fear of seeing Nancy Grace reporting another case.

If you can't handle the responsibility of raising a child, you have a few options:
1- don't get pregnant in the first place
2- if you did get pregnant, and you don't want the child, give the child up for adoption. There are many GOOD families out there who will take great care of them.
3- if you don't want the responsibility of raising a child, DON'T adopt one. DON'T become a foster parent.

Abortion, in my book, is never an option. That's a topic for another blog post.

I for one can't understand how a parent could possibly go to the extreme of actually killing their kids. Yes, I can understand getting so pissed off that you'd lose your temper. I have two kids of my own, and while I admit to being a bit heavy handed in my spanking when they misbehave, I don't think I'd EVER go to the extreme of plotting to kill them. God gave me these kids for a reason. Sure, raising an autistic child is a challenge. Raising a hyper-intelligent daughter who inherited her father's temper is no cake-walk either. But we manage. We TALK to our kids. We explain to them why what they do is wrong and how to make things right. We teach our kids moral values not just with words but with our actions. Yes, there are spankings at times, but those spanking have become fewer and fewer as they've grown older and learned what is expected of them in the family and society. We as parents have grown as well.

No one is born an expert in parenting. There is no manual, no guide book. We all learn on the job and change the rules as we go along, replacing old, obsolete rules for newer ones. But we all start from scratch.

At night my wife reads bedtime stories to our daughter (sometimes I fill in for her). There is always a tickle-fest at night where I make my kids laugh until they can't take it anymore (helps them to sleep faster, too. Pure exhaustion). I try not to let them go to bed thinking that I'm angry at them. Every night I tuck my kids in and kiss them goodnight. Every day the first thing they hear out of my mouth is "Have a good day. I love you!". Every night the last thing they hear is "Good night. God bless. I love you". So the first thing they feel in the morning is love and good wishes from their parents. The last things they think of before falling asleep are laughter and love.

Yes, I get angry at them. I punish them and take away privileges for a while. I calmly explain to them that just because I punished them, it doesn't mean that I stopped loving them.

And when my son goes online and starts downloading questionable content from YouTube, despite our warnings against doing so,or when my daughter throws one of her tantrums, I do not reach for a gun or a knife or some gasoline to pour over them. I scold, I might yell a bit, I punish. But I never, EVER, threaten to kill them.

Our kids are a blessing, whether you believe in God or not, they are a blessing. A gift. An endless responsibility. They can be a source of great joy one moment and great disappointment the next. They can drive you nuts at times and sometimes (in the case of teens) you'll be the ones driving them nuts. But just how far we let them take us to the edge depends entirely on US. WE are the adults. WE are the ones who should know more about self-restraint. WE are the ones who MUST set an example, a template, for our kids to follow. Nothing fills me with more joy as when my kids come to me and say I'm they're best friend or when they come and give me hugs and kisses WITHOUT my having to ask them to. Nothing gives me more pride than seeing their accomplishments whether it be in school or play or simply learning to tie their shows or making some new works of art.

The bottom line is we as a people have to learn to love our kids again. Somewhere along the way kids became a tax write-off instead of a chance to make our world a better place. If there are to be guns in their lives then let US as parents be the guns and let the kids be the bullets. We aim them at the target and hope they hit it. We must break the chain of hate and abuse against our children, otherwise all they'll learn is how to hate and bully and abuse their own kids.

I was a victim of child abuse. Back in the 60's and 70's nobody really gave a crap about how parents raised their kids. We would arrive at school full of bruises and the teachers wouldn't ask. Actually some teachers would actually use corporal punishment themselves (not just the ruler-wielding Catholic nuns either). I guess that's why so many parents today show so little respect for their kids. I for one am trying my hardest to break that chain.

I pray that there are other parents out there who feel the same as I do about their kids.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have some hugs and kisses and tickles to administer to my kids.

Death on a Segway. Say WHAT?!

2010-09-29T15:54:00.000-04:00

Just read a report about the death of Jimi Heselden, the 62 year old owner of the Segway company. You know Segway, the 2-wheeled chariot made more famous by Paul Blart Mall Cop? Well, it seems that Mr. Heselden died while riding his Segway and going off a cliff. OK Say WHAT?! He drove off a cliff to his death while on a Segway? How was this possible? I know it's a serious thing and my condolences go out to his family, but this borders on the absurd. It ranks a spot on 1000 Ways to Die! Let's break this down:

1: The Segway has a max speed of 12 MPH. Couldn't he have just STEPPED OFF the damned thing before reaching the edge of the cliff? I mean I WALK faster than a Segway. I've stepped off skateboards that were moving faster than one. Sure he was an old guy, but even if he fell on his ass, the most he could have gotten was a dislocated hip. He could have stepped off!

2: Granted he was 62 years old and his reaction time may have been slow, but the Segway is responsive to your body movements. It should have stopped when he, supposedly, instinctively pulled back from the edge. Even given bad eyesight due to his years, he should have seen that there was no road ahead of him.

3: Someone mentioned that maybe it was a suicide. Perhaps. But given the speed of the Segway, you'd think he'd have 2nd, 3rd and maybe up to 10th thoughts about going through with it. With a car you don't have much time to change your mind. You hit high speed, run off the cliff and that's it. Not so with a Segway. You can see your entire life pass by and press Pause on the interesting parts and even replay them before you even reached the edge.

It's like I said, this accident(?) borders on the absurd. It shouldn't have happened for a whole mess of reasons besides the ones I mentioned above.

The report says that Heselden loved the Segway so much, he bought the company. Victor Kiam did the same thing when he bought Remington, but I doubt we'll ever see him involved in a runaway shaving accident. (EGADS! Could you imagine the press on THAT?!)

Nope! Sorry. This death is just too weird for reality.

My Pet Peeves

2010-07-15T14:49:00.000-04:00

A couple of days ago, a very old and dear friend asked me what my pet peeves were. She then proceeded to post some of hers on her blog (find her link under My Favorite Blogs). Got me to thinking what my personal pets were. I came up with quite a few. But since I don't to bore you with the entire list, here's the Reader's Digest version:

1- Stupid Questions and Obvious Statements
This has got to be the biggest pet peeve I have. I HATE questions like "Did you fall down?" when I'm flat on my ass. Or how about "Are they twins?" No, you putz! They're perfectly identical strangers!. The one that I frequently hear since I live on a tropical island is "Is it raining, outside?" This after I walk in dripping wet. My usual answers to this are "No, I'm just a heavy sweater!" or "Where else is it going to rain? Inside?!"

This leads me to pet peeve #2:
2- Being called a Smart-ass, Wise-guy or Too Logical
Answers to that are also obvious. I'd rather be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass! Same goes for wise-guy. Now my mother is the first to complain that I tend to be too logical. So what if I am? At least I think things through. I can't help it if I have a very high IQ. It all goes back to stating the obvious. If the clouds in the sky are dark and heavy, and there's a constant sound of thunder in the air, then LOGICALLY it's about to rain! Why then do people ask me, "Look at those clouds. Do you think it's gonna rain?"?

3- People who hire me for whatever reason and then refuse to pay for the most outrageous reasons. If I get hired to design a webpage, do some logo work or create some jewelry or figurines for someone, I expect to get paid for it. So why do people insist on finding excuses for not paying me? The most recent example was one client stating that since he didn't use some artwork I created, among other projects I did, that he didn't feel he should pay me. I pointed out that despite the fact that he didn't use it, I still did the work and that I had to get paid. After a little back and forth he finally decided to pay me, but not before telling me he was taking the project to a print shop. Sure go ahead. Now not only are you going to have to wait LONGER to get the job done, you are now going to have to pay a lot more for the job that was already done.

4- As readers of my previous posts will know by now, I have a major issue with the way some people dress nowadays. Woman that I call 5-3 women. Women with an ass 5 sizes too big in pants 3 sizes too small. And they have the audacity to think they're sexy! well, I can't fault them for their overwhelming self-confidence.
And how about the guys wearing their pants below their butts? Do I really need to know what kind of underwear, if any, you're wearing? I can tolerate it a bit if it's a hot chick with an exposed g-string, but sometimes too much is too much.

5- Stores and gas stations that demand that you buy a minimum of $10 before they accept your ATM card. I just want to buy a friggin' bag of Doritos and a diet Coke. Why should I be forced to buy $8 more of stuff I neither need nor want?! Or how about when you buy gas and the tank fills up before reaching the prepaid amount? Do they give you back change? Not everyone. Most require you to buy more stuff you don't need.

Finally, politicians, unemployment offices, traffic jams, Michael Jackson coverage, Lindsay Lohen drama, SPAM telling how to increase my penis size (really?), the frequent emails and letters from some dudes in Nigeria telling me I've inherited millions, the dogs and cats using my backyard as their personal toilet bowl.....

You know, I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. The world in general tends to drive me nuts. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only person alive that sees the black hole we, as a species, are falling into. My only hope is that someone, somewhere, reads my blog and a lightbulb goes off over their head.

Hope that someone is you.

Invasion of the Geriatric Accordion Players

2010-06-19T16:59:00.004-04:00

For what seems like a couple of years now, I've noticed a strange event going on in various malls here in Puerto Rico.

Usually I see this old man with an accordion walking through the food court of a mall playing some unrecognizable piece of music while making faces like Carlos Santana squeezing notes out of his guitar. He would walk S-L-O-W-L-Y through the court looking for tips and looking like he was on the verge of a music induced orgasm.

At first, this annoying old man would just be confined to the one mall. Then one day I saw him at another major mall doing exactly the same thing. I thought to myself, "The old man really gets around."

It wasn't until I saw him at yet ANOTHER mall that I started to get a bit concerned. Was he following me? Was he *GASP* some kind of clone? Could there be some kind of alien invasion going on? Are aliens using strange accordion music to somehow turn our brains to mush?!

Then one day I really freaked out. I went to the mall where I had originally seen the old man. There he was, grinding away like a geriatric Weird Al Yankovic. I got out of there as fast as I could and made my way to another mall. Lo and behold! There he was again!!! What the heck?!

What really got to me was later that night I went to yet ANOTHER mall closer to my home and , yes, you guessed it, THERE HE WAS AGAIN!!!

So, my theory is this: either he's hitching a ride in the trunk of my car unbeknownst to me, or...

WE'RE BEING INVADED BY ACCORDION PLAYING ALIEN CLONES!!!!!!

Confessions at an All You Can Eat Buffet

2010-06-04T15:25:00.004-04:00

Recently my family and I went for diner at an All You Can Eat Buffet place whose name rhymes with Twizzler.
Anyway, my wife goes to the food bar to fill up her plate and comes back trying miserably to stifle some laughter. Seems that some guy confessed to her that, in his opinion, eating there was the best possible deal. After all, $9.99 per person and all the food you can stuff down your gullet? Of course it's a good deal. So much so that he confessed that he had been there for over 2 hours doing just that.

My wife pointed the guy out to me while he was walking back to his table with yet another plate of food. It got me to thinking, just how many food combinations can you come up with? How many different ways can you eat fried chicken, pork chops and macaronis?

While I was contemplating the mysteries of buffet combinations, the man culpable for my thoughts got up from his table contentedly rubbing his protruding belly with both hands while walking towards...yep...the bathroom. After a few minutes in the john, he comes out, goes to his table and...yep...gets another plate and proceeds to make his way back to the food bar. And again, starts to pile more food on his plate. By now he is entering his 3rd hour of face-stuffing.

I couldn't help notice the guys behind the counter looking in confusion at the empty trays of food they had just placed there not 2 minutes before. Their looks said, "Whaddaya mean there's no more fried chicken? I Just put a whole tray-full out there! What? No pork chops either? No macaronis? Hey, where'd all the biscuits go?!!"

When the time came for my family to leave the establishment, we had to pass by his table on the way out. We couldn't help overhear him telling the couple at the table next to his the exact same story he had told my wife, while happily shoveling MORE food into his mouth. Meanwhile I happened to glance at the woman who I can only assume was his wife sitting next to him. The poor woman seemed almost embarrassed to be there (although she seemed to have a few empty plates of her own in front of her).

For all we know the man is still there today, eating everything in sight.

2008-06-12T21:01:00.005-04:00

I just received the following email from one of my favorite cousins. Please read through and read my response at the end.

=============================================================

The following was supposedly written by a housewife from New Jersey and sounds like it! This is one ticked off lady. It's too bad that more Americans don't express themselves as she does. I totally agree with her.

Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated' when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I don't. I don't care at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for chopping off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide .

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured: I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed 'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you guessed it-I don't care !!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior!

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add:

'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem' -- Ronald Reagan

I have another quote that I would like to add AND.......I hope you forward all this.

'If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.' Also by.. Ronald Reagan

One last thought for the day:

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember. England's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America , he said: 'A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out.'

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET BOTH OF THEM

================================================================

I'm sorry Cuz, but I have issue with this crap.

The bimbo who wrote this says she doesn't care about just about everything related to the muslims, Iraqis etc. She shows no care or respect for the religious icons of other races. And in the same breath she states the "One nation under God" phrase and "Jesus died for us yada yada yada".

That last part is the ONLY thing I have to agree with.

I am the first to admit that as a Christian I am sorely lacking. However, I don't believe Jesus died for our sins just so that we could continue sinning with impunity. KILLING is still killing. If it makes you feel more comfortable to disguise it under the ruse of "defending one's country", sorry, it's still killing. I don't know what number it is, but I'm pretty sure that's one of top five commandments at least. And how exactly do you "defend" your country while your in someone else's country? In soccer you don't defend your opponent's goal. Same goes for basketball, football and most other sports. You defend on your home turf not somewhere else.

All men are created equal. That's in our Declaration of Independence. But sometimes I feel that that document was written by George Orwell rather than Thomas Jefferson. All men are created equal...but some are more equal than others. We'll tolerate other people's beliefs just so long as they are the same as ours. If someone chooses to worship Buddha or Mohammed or Allah, we so-called "Christians" call them pagans, heretics or non-believers. Where's that "brotherly love" we're so fond of espousing?

The same goes for Americans (and yes, I consider myself one). We're friends with everybody just so long as they have the same beliefs and standards we do. Whoever doesn't fit our blueprint of a "friendly nation" has to suffer our interference with their handling of their culture. Viet-Nam, Korea, Falkinds, Kuwait, Bosnia, Afghanistan, Iraq...see a pattern here? We just can't help but stick our noses into other countries' business. Then we act surprised whenever some maniac commits an act of terrorism against us.

Granted, 9-11 was a horrible tragedy. It shouldn't have happened. We were warned. No one paid attention. We continued to stick our noses where it doesn't belong. So what do we do in response? We go and attack another nation for HOUSING the terrorist responsible for the attack. Oh but wait! This other country has a baaaaad man ruling it and he said some baaaad things about us. Let's go bomb HIS country and take him down. After all, his beliefs aren't our own. They aren't like us. They're not even Christians!!! Forget the fact that that country is the cradle of civilization. And to make sure all the other baaad men get the message, let's hang this guy and celebrate while he's still swinging from the end of a rope. After all, we're AMERICANS, we're always in the right, and that's the "Christian" thing to do. It's justice, right?

And where are we now? Thanks to our meddling in other people's affairs and bringing OUR definition of what's RIGHT to a foreign country, we are now suffering a recession. Gas prices are at an all-time high and are STILL climbing. We had to borrow billions from China so that we could spend money to stimulate our flagging economy (by buying items made in China. Who benefits?)

And not to be repetitious, but I've been forwarded emails about our schools forbidding God and prayers etc. How the HELL can any so-called American DARE to sermon against other countries and their so-called "heathen" ways, when we don't even believe in God anymore?

I wonder. What would have become of America if the REAL AMERICANS had retaliated in this way against the people who came and stole their lands, killed their people and forced their "Christian" views on them? In my book, these so-called red-blooded Americans performed acts of terrorism against the red-blooded, red SKINNED Americans. No one "punished" them.

In Spanish we have a saying: "Predicando moral en pantaletas". Loosely translated, Preaching moral values while in your underwear.

That's what this woman is doing. That's what a lot of Americans are doing. And I won't stand for it.

WE ARE ALL GOD'S KIDS. He made us all, not just some. And whether some people call him Yahweh, Jehova, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Green Man, Keeper or whatever, He's still GOD!

And I don't think He's really very happy with what we've been doing lately.

Sorry if I come across too strongly. I just hate hypocrisy. And before you ask, yes, I served in the US Army. I have the rank of 2nd Lieutenant. I am also a conscientious objector. Main reason I didn't pursue a career in the military. Like I said before, killing is killing no matter how you justify it.

My two cents.

A Solution to the Rising Costs of Gasoline

2008-05-22T21:41:00.002-04:00

As of the time of this posting, oil is now at $137/barrel. Gas is somewhere around $3.83 a gallon. And the worst is, the numbers keep rising with no end in sight.

Lots of talk has been bandied about regarding alternative fuel sources. Ethanol, methanol, hydrogen to name the most popular ones.

The rise in ethanol production has now caused a shortage on grains, causing a food shortage where there should be none. Walmart limits the purchase of rice to one bag per customer. This is just a preview of the crap that is to come.

Now I have an idea for an alternative fuel source that is readily available and get this: FREE!!! That's right ladies and gents, FREE!!! What is this miraculous fuel source? Believe it or not, its urine.

Yep, urine, pee, piss, kidney byproduct.

Now before you start wrinkling your noses in disgust, think about it. The chemical components of urine are what? Nitrogen and ammonia. What do race cars use to get a burst of speed? Nitrous Oxide. It seems to me that if we can find a way to build an engine that takes regular nitrogen and converts it to fuel we'll shoot the fuel problem dead in its tracks.

All you have to do is piss directly into the tank and you can go wherever you want. OK the ladies are complaining that they can't actually stand up and piss into the tank like us guys. For the ladies we can set up a funnel device that provides comfort and privacy (you can do it without getting out of the vehicle). Instead of going to the toilet and flushing it all away, you can instead flush it into a holding/processing tank for later consumption. You can have your own fueling station in your driveway!!!

Sure, the smell would be a bit worse than the smell at a regular gas station, but anyone who's walked by a dark alley has smelled the aroma before. We can adapt and get used to it. After all, IT'S FREE!

Also think of the benefits. You can save money on medical visits. Just go to the gas station and have the attendant check your levels.

"You're about a quart low, your triglycerides are a bit high, you HDL, VDL and LDL are all within normal parameters but your glucose is a bit high."

Of course, for those diehard drivers of high performance vehicles, regular fuel just doesn't cut it. They need PREMIUM. For them we'd have to find a way to process CRAP! Which brings us back to methanol...

But that's a whole 'nother story.....

LifeLock Fails to Live Up to its Hype

2008-05-22T21:27:00.002-04:00

To start with, here's a snippet from a report from Associated Press today:

SAN JOSE, Calif. - Todd Davis has dared criminals for two years to try stealing his identity: Ads for his fraud-prevention company, LifeLock, even offer his Social Security number next to his smiling mug.
Customers in Maryland, New Jersey and West Virginia are suing Davis, claiming his service didn't work as promised and he knew it wouldn't, because the service had failed even him.

All I have to say about this is: BWAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've said it from DAY 1. This guy is just asking to have his ass handed to him on a silver platter. I was hoping, NAY PRAYING, that some hacker would come and beat his stupid challenge. And someone finally did. Actually, 87 someones:

Davis acknowledged in an interview with The Associated Press that his stunt has led to at least 87 instances in which people have tried to steal his identity, and one succeeded: a guy in Texas who duped an online payday loan operation last year into giving him $500 using Davis' Social Security number.

People this dumb shouldn't be allowed outdoors, let alone run a large business such as this. I can only attribute his stupidity to inbreeding. No one in his right mind would ever set himself up for failure like this. Now he's got people suing him for the $1 million dollar guarantee because their asses got fried too.

Get it through your head, no one can guarantee the safety of your identity but you. But don't take my word for it:

Paul Stephens, director of policy and advocacy with the Privacy Rights Clearinghouse, a nonprofit consumer advocacy organization says:

"There is no company that can guarantee they can protect you (completely) against identity theft. Absolutely nobody can do that."

'Nuff said!

Massage Madness!

2008-03-08T10:27:00.002-04:00

A while back I won one of many prizes over the radio. You know how it goes, you call in, if you're the right caller with the right answer, you get a prize. I've won quite a few times these past months. From concert tickets to restaurant coupons. And then there was the full body massage at a spa.

Actually, I've won two of those. Naturally I gave one to my wife. She deserves the embarrassment, I mean, she deserves to relax.

As for me, Judith H. Christ!!! What an experience!!!

I showed up bright and early for my full treatment, not realizing just what was in store for me. First off my masseuse (a cute little female, thank God!) asks if I brought a bathing suit. No says I. No problem! She then hands me a disposable underwear and tells me to strip, put it on and then put on a nice terrycloth robe.

Hokay!

I go into the bathroom and change out of my clothes. I unwrap the tiny parcel that was supposedly the underwear, fully expecting it to be a boxers type affair. No such luck. The vixen had given me a G-string! I had a hard time figuring it out at first. I actually put it on backwards, but after noticing my nuts peaking out on either side of the thin paper strip, I realized my error. SO after putting it on correctly, I am now giving myself the ultimate wedgie! It was compounded when I had to stoop over to pick up my shoes. It was like being raped by dental floss!

I happened to look in the full body mirror they conveniently (and sadistically) placed in the bathroom. Now realize, gentle reader, that I am by no means an Adonis. I am 5'5" and 200lbs of hairy, I MEAN HAIRY!!! male. I looked in the mirror and basically saw a short wookie in a G-string. Picture Chewbacca in a thong. Star Wars will never be the same for me.

I immediately wrap myself up in the robe and step out into the world. The girl sweetly hands me a bowl of gelatinous gunk and tells me to step into the shower and spread this all over my body. This is the exfoliation process. Gets rid of all the dead skin. So far no problem. I rub and scrub and get my skin all nice and soft. She then directs me to the sauna and hands me a towel, and tells me I am to lay there for half an hour. I never knew I could sweat so much.

So after being slow-cooked in the pressure cooker, I wash down again and am led to a small dimly lit room for my massage. She stands to one side of the massage table and holds up a large towel, blocking her face, and tells me to lie down face up. I strip and lie down as instructed, all the while thinking I am about to have an embarrassing moment. I was fully expecting to make a tent out of the towel over my body as she very sensuously began to rub me down. Fortunately nothing of the sort happened. Either by embarrassment or sheer force of will, I'll never know. She covered my eyes with a towel so I could presumably relax even more. I think she just didn't me to see her reaction at having to massage a walking shag carpet. I was actually getting relaxed.

She then pulls back the towel, covering her face again, and tells me to roll over.

HELLO!!! Stress is back!!!

Now my G-string, strangled ass is pointing straight up to the heavens. I actually laughed out loud and commented that I was definitely feeling a cold draft down there. I asked her how women could wear these tiny pieces of strangle-cord. She said you get used to it after a while.

So there I am, face down with most of my back exposed. I can just imagine the look on her face when she saw all the hair on my body. I actually feel sorry for her. She nevertheless began to massage my body part by part. I was a bit surprised when she actually started to massage my butt cheeks. Poor kid's gonna need therapy herself after all this.

So she finally finishes and has me put on my clothes and I'm off to face the world again, supposedly more relaxed than when I came in. And to tell the truth, I was more relaxed, except for my face. I never really managed to wipe the stupid grin from my face during the entire massage.

I can only imagine how the poor girl was laughing about HER ordeal with the g-string wearing Sasquatch! I can't wait to hear from my wife about her experiences at the spa.

A New Clothing Law Proposal

2008-02-20T21:23:00.002-04:00

Yeah, yeah...I know....the same old rant about the way some women dress. I can't help it. Some of the women I see out there are genuine nightmares of fashion. Case in point for this week:

We went to Sizzler for dinner the other day. Along comes a LARGE... L A R G E woman in a (get this) ZEBRA PRINT DRESS!!!! I could actually hear the theme song from Wild Kingdom in the background. She actually looked like a zebra from behind. Of course she's eating at the all-you-can-eat buffet at Sizzler. You do the math.

Another woman was wearing a leopard-skin spandex suit. You guessed it, she was HUGE!!!

Two tables beyond her was sitting another LARGE woman. This one was wearing tight jeans which made her belly squeeze out of the top like a blueberry muffin. (I'll never eat muffins again!). Her blouse was high on the belly and low on the decoulletage. What scared me was that when she stood up, she looked like she was packing male tackle. She looked like she actually had a hard-on!!!

MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!

Yesterday, I was leaving an office building when this 270 lb woman passed by wearing a white mini-skirt that rode mid-thigh and flared out loosely. So loosely, that when the wind blew, her skirt rose above her ample hips and revealed her red g-string panties to all in the immediate area. I think I actually heard someone throw up (although that could have been me). Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me. It was a classic shot! Picture Rosie O'Donnell in those clothes. Exactly my reaction!!!

On the bus the other day a HUMUNGOUS woman got on the bus and sat down across from me. She had to have something like 999 DDD's they were so huge. She took up two seats and her boyfriend sat next (?) to her. Her blouse was of the low cleavage variety, although on her it was GREATLY exagerated. I happened to sneak a peek at what she was so blatantly showing. It looked to me like a giant papaya (the spiny variety). It had these strange black dots all over it. They weren't freckles, more like stretched-out black-heads (Eeeeewww!!!!). I was both repulsed and fascinated at the same time.

All this brings me to the following proposal: Create a law that prohibits stores from selling certain clothes to ugly people.

If you're 250lbs and want to by a spandex mini-skirt? Sorry, law forbids me from selling you that.
You're overweight and want to buy an animal print dress? Only if you're going to Africa with a suicide wish.
You have a fat ass and want to buy hiphugger jeans and a g-string? Someone call the cops! (Special dispensations made depending on the actual ass to waist ratio)
Cut-off t-shirt and big belly? No can do.
You want to buy a t-shirt that says "Sexy" or something along similar lines? Only if you are sexy, otherwise it's just plain false advertising.

And you guys don't get off easy either:

No plaid shorts and black dress socks with sandals.
No jogging shorts if you have a 10" or longer schlong or inflamed testicles (I've seen this)
No spandex shorts in public unless you're going to perform a ballet.
Only allowed to wear pants that go all the way over your ass crack (Especially plumbers)

I accept that under these laws even I would have troubles buying certain clothes, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice. If I'm forced to wear clothes that honestly make me look good for the body type I have, I'm all for it. But please, let's put a stop to this visual pollution.

MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!!

Should we return the money? An Answer to the Kongaloid

2008-02-20T21:02:00.004-04:00

I recently got an email from my Kongaloid brother, Steve, regarding the wonderful checks Dubya said he's authorizing for all of us this coming May. (For a full view of what Steve's comments are, check out his great BLOG at www.kongaloid.org). The following was my reply to him and to anyone else who might be interested.

Politcal values aside, I never thought that PR should become an independent nation. We'd never survive it. We have no real gross product except coffee and sugar and even THAT we import from other countries (WTF?). The only thing we have to offer other countries, that would actually hold their interest, is beautiful women in skimpy underwear. VIVE LE WHALE-TAIL!!!!

Of course that means we'd have to turn all our women into prostitutes. I wouldn't want to be the guy to tell them that.

No, PR can't go indie.

I agree with you though. Those indies who claim to be so "hard-core" SHOULD give the $ back. Better yet, spread it amongst those of us who actually LIKE uncle Sam, especially when he gives us candy (like all our favorite uncles do). That way they don't have to accept any of the dirty American mulah, and they don't have to go to the trouble of buying a US stamp to send back the money.

So to sum it all up in one, kongaloidal word......

POOFLAH!!!!!

Damn Bluetooth!!!

2007-12-07T22:12:00.000-04:00

The other day I went to the bathroom, just like I do every day. I noticed a guy in the urinal next to me. One of his hands was resting against the wall int the typical "male holding the wall while he pees" stance. The other hand was gesticulating in the way all Puertorricans do while talking. So obviously I had no reason to believe he was talking on a celphone while I overheard him saying the following:

"You KNOW I love you. You're the greatest thing to happen to me. I love you SO much. You're the most beautiful thing in my life. You mean so much to me." And more words to that effect.

I just mumbled a bit too loudly, "Dude, play with it, don't talk to it"

At which point the guy turns towards me and I notice the damned flashing blue light in his right ear. Yes, he WAS talking on the phone.

Do you remember when, not so long ago, if someone was walking down the street talking to himself, he was considered a nut case? Now with this bluetooth technology, people resemble strange robots with blinking blue ears.

And it's bad enough that these bluetooth addicted people are a safety hazard on the road while driving. But have you ever been plowed into by one of these nutjobs while WALKING down the hallway? Or while shopping in the supermarket? They can't even concentrate on WALKING while they have these blinking blue lights stuck in their ears. It's like they're escapees from a Doctor Who episode.

I know of a concert promoter here in Puerto Rico who's initials are L.S.. The man walks around with a blinkie in his ear and about 4 or 5 celphones on his belt and in his pocket. I often wonder what would happen to him if he had them all set to vibrate and they all went off at once. He'd probably get electrocuted. Either that or his blue blinkie will overload and fry his brain.

Although judging from what I've seen of others like him, the brains are already fried and have been replaced by the blue blinkie. Maybe Bluetooth is the name of some evil alien entity who's trying to take over the world one brain at a time. Doctor Who indeed. Remember the Cybermen?

Hey, you never know.

Credit woes

2007-12-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

We all have credit problems of one sort or another. Nowadays, what with the economy the way it is, we're all in debt to some degree. That's why my wife and I signed up for a consolidated credit program 4 years ago. What we didn't quite realize at the time was how much more damage these things can do to your credit. Especially if the consolidators don't post your payments on time. You get hassled by the credit card companies every month and you end up getting a history of late payments.

Uggghhh!

So it's no wonder why my credit is currently a bit wonky.

Last month my wife and I were forced to trade in our clunky Chevy Venture for a more economical and less troublesome car. Problem was, we couldn't trade in the car and buy a new one because of our credit. Frustrating to say the least. We finally managed to get a new Mitsubishi Lancer on lease, but the humiliation of being turned down for loans etc. was still there.

To make matters worse, practically every month for the past 11 years, my father-in-law keeps getting prepaid credit cards in the mail. He also gets loan offers for 10's of thousands of dollars every month due to his perfect credit rating. It's totally frustrating to keep seeing these letters, cresit cards and loan offers appearing every month in our mail box. You can't imagine what it's been like for the past 11 years seeing those letters pour in while we can't even get approved for a $100 loan.

Oh! And did I mention that my father-in-law has been dead for 11 years now?

Talk about unfair....

The Mysterious Link

2007-10-03T18:05:00.000-04:00

Ever notice that when you have an urge to go to the bathroom, it just gets stronger the closer you get to a toilet?

You can just start out having a slight discomfort, alerting you that you have to go 'whiz' or 'potty'. So you start walking to the nearest facilities. However, the closer you get to the bathroom, the harder it is to walk. Now you're in a life or death situation. You just gotta get to the toilet because if you don't you're sure to soil yourself.

It's even worse when you're in your car driving home. You feel the urge while you're 5 miles from home. It's manageable, you can hold it. No sweat. You start getting to within a mile from home and the flatulence begins. Now you're feeling a bit uncomfortable, but you can handle it. By the time you're pulling into the driveway, it's a mad dash for the keys, fighting to find the right one, trying to fit the keys into the various locks on your door, gate etc... All this while excersing great muscular control over your buttocks. *Clench* find key *CLENCH* Wrong key *CLEEEENNNCCCHHH!!!!*** You run to the bathroom and practically tear off your clothes in a panic with a total disregard to whether or not you're tearing the material. Who cares?! You're in a cold sweat and you're sure you'll explode all over the bathroom unless you get the clothes OFF and relieve yourself.

You know it's happened to you.

Now what I don't get is why that doesn't happen when you're already home, watching TV or whatever?

I think the cause for all this discomfort is the iron in our blood. Somehow it sets up a magnetic link to whatever toilet is nearest to us. The closer the source of magnetism, the stronger the attraction. That's why it feels like you're going to explode the closer your bottom gets to the toilet seat.

Then again this could be one of those great mysteries of life we'll never figure out until we die and reach Heaven.

Club Med in the News

2007-04-20T19:47:00.000-04:00

The following is a news article posted on April 18th, 2007 in The Port St. Lucie News. Before I get to it though, I'd like to provide some background on the situation.

On April 12, 2007 I was spending some leisure time since it was one of those rare occassions at Club Med: A Day Off. When I returned in the evening I noticed that there had been a meeting called for ALL employees. Something big was up.

I found out the next day that our beloved leader, Tom, had called all employees in to tell them what they were going to tell the guests regarding the restaurant. Tom wanted us to tell the guests that the restaurant was closed for 2 days due to a gas leak. All meals were to be served in the Florida Ballroom for the duration.

What really happened was that someone had tipped off the health inspectors (it wasn't me, I swear!) and they paid Sandydiaper a surprise visit. It didn't go well. The day before (despite what Club Med wants you to believe) we had a LARGE number of guests and employees calling in sick. People vomiting all over the village was the order of the day. Kids were throwing up all over the place, guests were calling for new sheets, toilet paper, bottles of water and the nurse all though the night. I counted 22 guests calling in sick that night. Employees ranked around 19. Yes, I did count.

On Wednesday April 17th, Tom sent out a 6 page letter to all employees thanking them for a memorable experience and praising us for the good job we did covering up for the restaurant problem.

The next day I go to work early in the morning. One of the girls from Boutique shows up to pick up the daily papers and asks me if I had seen the headlines. I took one look at the front page and nearly pissed myself laughing. I immediately bought a copy. Lucky I did, since Tom had the papers removed from the stands before the guests could buy them. Not that it did any good. We made photocopies galore. (I had the only newspaper in the village) The news also came out over local radio and TV.

The best laid plans of Tom Keidel seemed to have exploded in his face. Before I went home for the day, we had about 8 dinner cancellations due to the report. One of them was a man who personally came in demanding a refund on his gift certificate. Lord knows how many more cancellations they had after I left.

All in all, it was the best good-bye present I could have gotten on my last day at Club Dread. Granted, I am still waiting for the lab results to come in. I still have abdominal pains and lack of appetite. My doctor suspects Salmonella. We'll see.

Here's the full version of the article posted on the Internet. The article in the newspaper didn't list the violations.

Violations briefly shut Club Med dining room in PSL

By CHRIS YOUNG
chris.young@scripps.com
April 18, 2007

PORT ST. LUCIE — State health inspectors briefly closed the main dining room at Club Med in Sandpiper Bay last week after a surprise inspection found numerous infractions, including live cockroaches around the facility.

As workers served breakfast at the resort on Thursday, a state Department of Business and Professional Regulation inspector found numerous health violations, including dozens of live cockroaches around the kitchen area, slime build-up inside the ice machine, and cooks touching cut fruit and sliced deli meat with their bare hands.

The inspector suspended Club Med's license and immediately shut the restaurant down. On a reinspection Friday morning, the violations were fixed and the facility reopened, said Alexis Antonacci, press secretary for the DBPR.

"We thought it was serious enough they needed to close down for a period of time," she said. The department typically follows up on closures the following day, she added.

Kate Moeller, a spokeswoman for Club Med who did not return calls for comment, responded by e-mail Friday that the restaurant had a "brief closure" on Thursday for "maintenance," but "guests were not affected."

"Guests enjoyed their usual high level of services and all community events went forward as scheduled," she wrote.

Last May, the Club Med site was listed for sale by a real estate firm, but resort officials said they only wanted to redevelop its existing 337-room facility at the southern end of Pine Valley Street that includes a 60-slip marina, 18-hole golf course, tennis courts and conference center.

Club Med has owned the site since 1982, when it purchased the Sandpiper Bay development.

In the last year, several prospective buyers have contacted city officials and the homeowners associations in the area with plans to redevelop Club Med, but to date a sale hasn't happened. Moeller said that the company has had initial talks to sell the land with Club Med continuing to operate at the site.

"Under such arrangement, Club Med would continue to operate the resort as Club Med Sandpiper," she wrote in a Tuesday e-mail.

During the closure Thursday, the resort appeared to operate normally, even hosting an annual banquet in a separate facility with local law enforcement, the Hundred Club of St. Lucie County, which raises money for law enforcement officers and firefighters killed or injured in the line of duty.

Jane Rowley, president of the club, said that the food was "great and presented nicely."

"No one got sick," she said.

Jim Moses, county environmental health director, said on Friday that he heard no reports of problems with Club Med's food facilities.

Vice Mayor Jack Kelly, touring the facilities recently, said he had "mixed emotions" about Club Med, saying it was an asset to the city, but has not aged well over the years.

Club Med's pool bar, inspected the same day, had six critical violations, including:

• Live cockroaches in the kitchen, including six in ovens, one in a light switch, four dozen in a molding and on the wall, two on clean dish racks holding clean dishes, and three baby roaches on the floor under a bulk rice bin.

• Repeat violation: wine/produce storage room had overhead lights missing the proper shield or cover.

• Repeat violation: chemical storage room door with its exit door with a hasp-style locking device that doesn't allow door to simply be pushed open.

• Cooks handling cut fruit and sliced deli meats with bare hands.

• Buildup of slime in the interior of the ice machine.

• Displayed hotel and restaurant license expired even though it was recently renewed.

• No sneezeguards/protection from contamination at the salad bar for cut oranges, ice cream cones and bagels.

• The salad bar lacked adequate sneezeguards/protection from contamination for apples, danish, and cut vegetables, as well as lacking proper dispensing utensils

• Black ants on the wall near the dish machine

• No handwashing sign by the sink used by employees.

Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation, Division of Hotels and Restaurants inspection from April 12.

Club Med is the best place to work...never!!!

2007-04-08T19:45:00.000-04:00

Yep! Working for Club Med is definitely great...NOT!. I'm sorry, but I'm just too honest to be working in this cradle of bullshit. Let me explain.

For the most part the guests actually appreciate it when I speak to them frankly and tell them what's REALLY going on in regards to their requests. Some people complain that their rooms weren't what they asked for and they want to switch rooms. I tell them the truth. Right now we're in the midst of Spring Break and are at MAX capacity. Getting a reassignment is virtually impossible. They appreciate my honesty. I put their requests through anyway, just in case. No promises.

The same goes for any of their requests for housekeeping or maintenance. I tell them why it's taking so long for them to get extra sheets. We only have one girl in housekeeping at night covering the entire resort. She literally has to run all over the place to get things done. Again, they appreciate my honesty and the fact that I'm trying to solve their problems.

Even when I mess up, like I did yesterday, the guests appreciate my honesty. Case in point: the other night one of the guys from the restaurant brought me the usual load of stuff lost during dinner. Among these items was a digital camera. Usually, these things get written down in the Lost and Found book. I din't have the time or chance to do so. I was swamped with phone calls and checking in some guests. Not ten minutes later some guy comes in stating he left his camera in the restaurant and they told him it was at Reception. He described the camera as well. SO I gave it to him. What were the odds that it wasn't his? Turns out he wasn't the owner. The true owners came by in the morning really pissed that the camera was given to wrong person. I got called up at my room and had to come in to talk to them. Not a pleasing thought. I had gotten my ass chewed off by my manager by then. Even the Chef d' Village got involved. (that's French for Chief of Village i.e. Big Boss)

I showed up and gave them my apologies for the mess up. I explained everything to them. Amazingly, they understand and aren't angry with me. At least they're not yelling. I offer to walk around the village with them to see if I can spot the guy. I even stand in front of the restaurant for an hour checking to see if the guy walks in for lunch. Nothing. Just made me feel worse.

I get accused by some people (particularly from the Planning Manager) of not being professional. They don't approve of the way I deal with the guests like I've mentioned above. The Planning Manager prefers to give the guests snowjobs. She keeps claiming that I'm not professional. Yet SHE'S the one who books two families into the same room at the same time. Big bruhaha there. She also booked a family into two separate rooms. Each one on different floors. Not a usually bad thing as long as they're adults in both rooms. But no. The parents got the top room, their 6 year old daugther got the room downstairs. HELLO?! Brain-dead much? Now who's professional?

Or how about when she hides from the complaining guests afterwards and waits for them to leave the front desk so she can make a mad dash back into her office? Or when she calls me on the phone pretending to be housekeeping so that the guests can't figure out it's her I'm talking to? Professional? Not unless they changed the definition.

Guests spend most of their time complaining about her, my manager, and even some of my co-workers (don't get me started on them). Some might even complain about me, I'll admit. But a lot of them tell me to my face that they appreciate my help and honesty.

Now things have gotten hotter since they announced that all the Canadians who were going back home on April 30th will have to stay until September due to Visa restrictions. If any of them were to quit, they would never be able to get a work Visa ever again, thereby never getting to come back in the USA again. Needless to say there is some MAJOR upset going on. Just about every Canadian is shocked and upset about this statement. This is tantamount to forced labor. Work here and you're guaranteed more humiliation and abuse. Quit and you'll never work in the States again. WOW! What a choice!

Yep working here is great. Good thing the Chef d' Village is leaving this month to be replaced by what some claim to be a better one. At this point I think even a bag of cow dung would be better than he is. He's not very professional either. But that's another story.

As for me, I'll continue doing things as I always have. Honest and straightforward. I'm still looking for a way off this hellhole. Hopefully I'll find one soon.

More later.

Language is a Funny Thing

2007-04-04T19:49:00.000-04:00

Got a phone call from a French guest a while back. It's one of my most memorable calls (right after The Big Black Beast).

GM: Yes, I'd like to make reequest for maintenance, please?
ME: Yes, ma'am. What's the problem?
GM: My douche isn't working.
(HEAVY PAUSE....)
ME: Excuse me?
GM: I say my DOUCHE isn't working.
ME: Your..douche? OHHHH!!! Your SHOWER!!???
GM: Oui, my shower!
ME: (Relieved) I'll have someone come and fix it right away.

You could imagine all the thoughts that ran through my head during that heavy pause:

1: Maybe you should shower more often
2: Try more vinegar less water
3: You don't need me, you need a gynecologist

Etc...Etc...Et Al....

The Big, Black Beast

2007-03-28T19:41:00.000-04:00

Working at Club Med has its ups and downs as I've mentioned before. I personally like working the late night shift because that's when the really funny stuff happens. Sure, sometimes I get a raving maniac of a guest who insists on seeing my manager for some trifling thing or another, but for the most part the freaks really do come out at night.

My favorite case was about three weeks ago. An English guest (at least she sounded English) in room 101 calls me up at about 12:30am SCREAMING!!!!

Me: Front desk, this is Rio. How can I help you?
GM: THERE'S A BIG BLACK BEAST IN MY ROOM!!!
Me: Mam? What?
GM: THERE'S A BIG BLACK (undecipherable word in her native tongue?) IN MY ROOM!!! GET IT OUT!!! I CANNOT SLEEP WITH THAT ANIMAL IN MY ROOM!!!
Me: OK ma'am, I'll contact security and have them swing by your room and get the animal out
GM: YES!!! HURRY!! HURRY!! GET THE BEAST OUT OF HERE!!!

So I hang up thinking that maybe the raccoon that's been seen on site somehow snuck into her room. Or maybe a squirrel or one of the bats that was caught in the bar (another story). At the very least it must be some big rat, right?

So I call Edward at security. Now he's an old guy and I like him a lot. Not exactly the kind of guy I'd send to trap a Big Black Beast. But hey, I had little options at this hour. So Ed goes to the room. Meanwhile the GM calls me again:

GM: I want to move to another room. I cannot sleep in the same room as this animal.
Me: Ma'am, I just sent security over to take care of the situation and..
GM: Yes! I just want another room. I cannot sleep here tonight. I have a child and I am afraid of what might happen to the child and myself if we stay in the room with that big animal.
Me: OK ma'am, I'll contact my manager and see what we can come up with.

At this point I call my manager and she shows up a bit aggravated that I interrupted her fun at the bar. She nevertheless finds an available room to move the ranting GM to. At that point Big Ed shows up with a smirk on his face.

Ed: Rio, the Big Black beast she called in?
Me: Yeah?
Ed: Nothing more than a 2-inch gecko. He's hiding behind the bed somewhere and I can't get at him because the beds are attached to the wall. She's wants a new room.
Me: A gecko?! She's going nuts over a little gecko?
Boss: Ayyy!! I don't believe this woman. Que loca!

As my boss is about to walk out of the office the phone rings again

GM: (calmly now) I have decided I will not change rooms. I will stay here. I don't know how, but I will try to sleep with the animal in my room.
Me: Ma'am, we already set up a room for you to move to if you'd like..
GM No No, it's OK. I'll stay in this room. I'll try to sleep with the animal in the room. It's OK.
Me: Well ma'am, just keep in mind that gecko's aren't poisonous. They don't bite or anything. He just probably got trapped in your room while chasing after a big bug...
GM: THERE'S A BIG BUG IN MY ROOM?????!!!!!!!

There was no use in trying to explain to the woman that the gecko had probably already eaten the bug. She just hung up the phone. For all I know she spent the night huddled in a corner of her room with all the lights on, a slipper in one hand and a rolled up magazine in the other just looking for giant geckos or big old bugs.

Club Med...or is that Club Dread?

2007-03-05T19:35:00.000-04:00

Been working at Club Med since early January of this year. It's been an interesting month and a half so far. But it is nothing like what they promised me back home. In fact, I feel like I've been lied to since day one. And I'm not the only one to feel this way.

I am what they call in Club Med a G.O. (Gracious Organizer). Nothing gracious about it. Our guests are called G.M's or Gracious Member. Nothing gracious about most of them either. For us G.O. stands for GET OUT!!!

They never mentioned the looong hours we have to put in every day. 16+ to be exact. We work our primary duties which last 8 hours. Then we do our secondary duties which include but are not limited to, dancing, performing on stage, handing out fruit, dressing up as pirates and menacing little kids, greeting people upon arrival or at the restaurant or any other number of trivial things. This could amount to another 8 hours a day or more. Did I mention that we don't get paid overtime? Well, not exactly. We get overtime when we work over 64 hours a week in our primary duties. Secondary don't count as work. Our salaries don't count for much either.

We get paid less than minimum wage. (Off the record, I get $620/month) Sure they claim they compensate us by giving us room and food and transporatation from wherever to here. Not as good a deal as they'd have you believe. Sure the food is great, the rooms are adequate but that's where the balance ends. Nevertheless, we get an average of much less than minimum wage. Oh yeah, we only get 1 day a week off. Sometimes my shift rotates. I could get off work at 11pm only to go back in at 7am. Sometimes we would have a staff meeting at 11pm that would last an hour. Then back to work at 7am. I can feel the yoke of slavery surrounding my neck.

You can't get off the site without paying a fair amount of cash for a private taxi. There are no buses here. Just going 1 mile away can cost you $12. Not much to see a mile away either. To really have fun you need to go to Stuart or Vero Beach. Orlando could cost you over $280.

Housekeeping cleans our rooms once a week. Sweet deal right? Wrong. I was informed by housekeeping that they were instructed to give us the sheets and towels that are in the worst condition. Our guests get the better stuff of course. We're low on the totem. Our requests for service or maintenance either take days or weeks or go unanswered altogether. There are rooms that are so covered in mildew it's pathetic. No one comes to clean it up. There are ant infestations in our rooms and even in the rooms of the guests. Who gets the fumigation? Yep, the guests. And those ants aren't the teeny variety either. These suckers are the size of your fingernail. I'm one of the luckier ones. My room is pretty much in good condition and I try to keep it that way. The bed is a bit hard and the pillows too thin, but I've learned to double up the pillows in one case and to put a foam pad over the mattress.

We aren't allowed to eat alone or with each other. We MUST eat with a guest. We are not allowed to group together without including a guest. This is probably to keep us from comparing notes in public. We only get about a half hour to eat. It takes about 10-15 minutes to find a place to sit. Some guests don't want you with them. Others have a full table. Still others already have one or two GO's sitting there. SO by the time you find a place to sit, you have about 10 minutes to wolf down your food, socialize with the guests etc. before getting back to your post.

A while back a friend of mine had some guy enter her room and attempt to rape her. He somehow managed to get a key to her room. She wasn't allowed to call the cops on him. She did anyway. Club Med immediately down-played the whole thing to the cops stating that it was a "lovers quarrel". They said she had previously had sexual relations with the guy and had just refused to "put out" to him that night. The guy actually admitted to having snuck into her room and trying to rape her. The case was swept under the proverbial carpet. The guy was never punished or fired for what he did. The girl's reputation was forever tarnished. She had never slept with the guy. A month later she was fired on trumped-up charges. She was accused of embezzlement. Money kept "disappearing" from her cash drawer. This happens frequently in our department, since people keep dipping into each other's drawers to give change or charge guests, etc. It's already happened to me once (short $270). I have since put a lock on my drawer whenever I leave.

Last week they posted a sign on the employee bulletin board stating that sexual harassment or attacks are against the law and punishable. They still haven't punished anyone.

Someone broke into a girl's room and not only stole her stuff, they stole her safe as well. No leads as of yet. It's obvious to everyone but management that someone has a master key and is using it. Still nothing is done.

Another employee had a major drug smuggling ring going on right in the village. He was caught, but in order to prevent news of this from getting out, the Chief of Village refused to press charges. He just fired the Jamaican and that was that. The guy had major ounces of marijuana in his room. Enough to get him sent to jail for a long time. But that would have negative press, right?

They had negative press back in November when a van of illegal immigrants employed by Club Med was stopped and all it's occupants (15 of them) were deported.

Drinking here is a problem as well. And not just the guests over-indulging either. We have some pretty funny drunken situations here among the employees. I'm surprised these kids can get up in the mornings. And I do mean kids. Some of these guys are under 21. That doesn't stop them from getting drunk. If they get caught drinking, they get scolded. It's OK if they drink in their rooms though. Just don't get caught in the Village. Is this some kind of double standard? Of course some of them get drunk in their rooms then come into the Village totally sloshed and cause problems. But since they have no liquor on them (just in them) it's OK, right?

Management downplays everything here. From the low salaries ("if you work here it isn't because of the salary. You have to love providing service to our guests"), to the lack of understanding and support ("Welcome to Club Med").

That one little phrase is the catchall for everything negative here. Something is unfair to you? "Welcome to Club Med". Hours too long? "Welcome to Club Med". Salary too low? "Welcome to Club Med".

Don't get me wrong though. I do like the job in itself. It is fun here. I meet new people everyday and my co-workers are mostly OK. There are some exceptions of course, but it balances out in the end.

So why don't I leave here? Simple. I can't afford anyplace to live just yet. I need a car to get around, a place to live and a new job. The new job is simple enough to find I suppose. But without a car how do I get there. No buses, remember? And where will I live in the meantime? Not Club Med. So for the meantime I'm stuck here until I can find a place to live and a car. Saving as much money as I can from my meager salary of $670 a month (before taxes) to at least have a down payment for an apartment and a car. Impossible?

Welcome to Club Med....

Fashion Craze

2006-12-06T19:23:00.001-04:00

I know this is old hat for some of you, but I just HAVE to put my two cents in about this.

What the hell is wrong with people today and their insistence on wearing clothes that are totally inappropriate for their body types, ages and even gender?

Case #1:

I go to the nearby mall on occasion to browse the stores and generally do some people watching. I almost ALWAYS see some kind of fat woman wearing spandex/lycra pants in a bright color (usually orange or yellow or sometimes white), a tight t-shirt that can or can not have a v-neck (more on this feature below), and to top it all off...some kind of day-glow colored underwear that just screams at you from underneath the pants. These underwear can be regular bikini panties but more often than not they're a G-string. In the case of a G-string however, the fat assed lady most definitely has a "whale tail" showing above the edge of her pants. Sometimes it isn't even a G-string showing but her regular panties have rolled-up her ass to resemble a G-string.

OWWWWW!!!!! MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!!!

Case #2:
The above mentioned t-shirts. I'm all for the phrase "If you got 'em, flaunt 'em". Hey I'm a guy after all. But there has got to be a limit to what you can flaunt. The same fat lady as above, with a v-neck t-shirt and size 44DD breasts. That size might be attractive on some girls, but not when they HANG like over-filled water balloons!!!!

Case #3:
The same fat broad with a t-shirt that doesn't completely cover her ample stomachs (yes, STOMACHS! Only a cow can have that many udders hanging from it). And she's still wearing those damned lycras!!!!

Addendum:
I worked recently at a university as a Financial Aid Facilitator. I helped the kids fill out out their FAFSA's. One girl came up to me to fill out her forms. She was a prime example of what I've described so far. She was beyond black. She was one of those purple skinned negroes (I have nothing against blacks, browns or any other color.). She was wearing tight jeans that were practically screaming for mercy (this is what I call a "5-3 girl". An ass 5 sizes too big in pants 3 sizes too small). She had a t-shirt that didn't quite make it all the way down (or over) her stomach. She looked like a giant chocalate muffin the way her stomach was squeezed over her jeans. She had a belly button ring on a belly button that looked like someone had punched a hole in a foam pillow. It looked like she was holding her car keys in there. Her t-shirt was stretched over a set of hanging water balloons (see above) and had the word "Princess" on it. And she was UGLY to boot. She could give the Devil nightmares!
I was required to ask this fashion guru what her email was. She said in Spanish, "Sexy Chick 69@.....". I almost threw up right there. The imagery alone... I gotta admire her self esteem though...

Case #4:
I've actually seen this. An old guy walking down the street in plaid shorts, a tank-top, black shoes and black socks, usually wearing suspenders as well. Who dresses the elderly?! I once saw an old guy dressed like this but in his BOXER SHORTS!!!!

Case #5:
I once worked with a woman who wore a black slip (the ones you wear UNDER your dress) without a dress over it. She swore it was an elegant evening gown. This is the same woman who would come to work wearing a skirt that was obviously meant to have the slits cut on the sides to show off her legs. Instead she had it rotated 90 degrees to show off her crotch.

Case #6:
What's with teenagers wearing their pants below their belt line? I've seen guys walking around with their pants nearly falling off their asses while showing off 90% of their boxers or briefs. Believe me guys, showing off your skid marks isn't attractive.

Case #7:
Middle-aged woman and above should NOT wear halter tops, tube tops or go braless. No explanations needed. This goes double for the girls with 44DD's. And while I'm on the topic of halter tops, please ladies, make sure your equipment fits the top. I've seen girls walking around with halter tops that are just a waste of cloth on them. I mean you must have at least an A cup to wear a halter, otherwise you're just a boy going drag.
The same applies for girls with slightly more breasts. Still small but more visible. They wear halters that are obviously meant for a woman with more than a B-cup. As a result we're getting nipple shots every 5 seconds. Not that I'd usually object to a free peep show, but more often than not, the show isn't all that good to begin with. (Pancakes come to mind...)

I could go on forever on this topic, but I think I made my point.

Now I need to get some Visine. My eyes hurt from the strain....

Tracking Down Old Friends

2006-10-23T19:22:00.000-04:00

Recently I ran into an old high school friend. I hadn't seen her in 27 years. Being the scoundrel that I am, I just walked up to her in an arts and crafts fair we were both at and told her where she had studied. Of course her first reaction was "Who are you, and are you following me?". Follwed closely by a "Are you a Fed?" She belongs to the Puertorrican Nationalist movement, hence her apprehension.

Needless to say she was shocked that I had managed to recognize her after so many years. Especially since she wasn't in my class but two years ahead of me (she was 4th year I was 2nd). When I did some name dropping of some of her fellow classmates, she finally relaxed a bit (the fact that I was wearing dark shades, black pants & t-shirt, plus I'm pretty stocky wasn't helping much. Let's face it, I am a bit intimidating).

We spent the remainder of the week comparing notes and sharing anecdotes. I kept freaking her out with little details of her past that she thought NO ONE would have remembered, let alone me. Her husband was enjoying every minute of it.

Which brings to the fore my main problem: I have an exceptionally good memory. My wife can't remember everybody that went to school with us. She barely remembers our own classmates never mind other schoolmates. But me, I can recognize EVERYBODY despite the weight gain/loss, wrinkles, hair colorings (natural and otherwise), etc.

Another case. Today, on a whim fueled by a dream, I decided to track down an old California buddy of mine. Haven't sen him in over 17 years, 10 years sooner than my classmate, but still a long time ago.

So I sat down on my PC, did a search on his name and came across some 2000 hits. Not good. Narrowed down the search to a certain word he used to use and came up with some 1500 hits. Came across an interesting site that had some familiar details about his life and what not. Did some judicious "hacking" and finally found a photo of my old compadre. I found out that he had an account on Ebay and tracked him down there. Sent him an email.

The reaction was the same I get whenever I recognize an old friend somewhere: "How the hell did you find me?!!!". As if I was some kind of US Marshall tracking down David Jansen in the Fugitive (Harrison Ford in the newer version for you Yuppies).

I don't know, I get a kick out of finding old friends like this. Hell I tracked down my oldest friend all the way down in Mexico. Nearly gave him a coronary when I did. I mean for Pete's sake, I've known him since I was 12 years old and we hadn't seen each other since '86. But I tracked him down. Convinced him to come back to PR with his new wife and daughter. We still keep in touch. I even tracked down some of graduating class. We have an email group that keeps growing the more people I track down. Whenever someone comes to PR, I organize a little reunion with those of us still on the island. We all have great times then.

So basically what I'm saying is, remember your old friends. Keep track of them if you can. If not, try using Google. The surprise you give them will keep you both chuckling for a looong time. But most importantly, it's good to know that friendship, especially the good ones, doesn't fade with time. Just so long as you remember who your friends are.

Power of the Press

2006-09-20T19:21:00.000-04:00

Saw this on the NBC News this morning and it made me laugh for hours despite the tragic note.

A 52 year-old grandmother was found stabbed to death in her home in The Bronx. Tragic, yes. Upon interviewing the neighbors, the response was one you always see in these cases:

"She was a very sweet old lady who did whatever she could to help out her neighbors"...yadda yadda yadda. You can always expect to get that kind of comment whenever someone is murdered. The person is always the salt of the earth and all. Something similar happens when they arrest someone for being a mass murderer: "He was such a nice boy, a quiet neighbor, very friendly, etc, etc et al".

But back to the case in point.

Literally in the same breath it took to say that this grandmother was a sweet neighbor, the newswoman reported that drug paraphenalia was found in her home and it was unclear wheteher it belonged to the victim or the assailant. WTF!!!???

When did she go from being Granny Goodness to being a drug dealer??!!! What, was she making crystal meth in her kitchen? Was she cooking up Extasy? It raises some questions, no doubt. Just how was she able to help out her neighbors, hmmm? Was she well connected?

I'm sure some people watching the news this morning didn't catch the drug reference. Unfortunately, I did. So did my wife. We both pulled a Scooby Doo (HRUUUHHH?!!) and just stared at the TV set for a second. I'm sure there could be thousands of reasons why the old lady had drug paraphenalia in her house, I don't think it belonged to the assailant though. I mean, why would he have his stuff in her house anyway? It's a weird case and I hope they solve it soon if only to clear the poor woman's reputation.

It's kind of like a case here in PR. A man named "Coquito" was found murdered. EVERYBODY knew him. He was a "shining pillar of the community". He helped politicians in their campaigns, he got Don Omar the help and finances he needed to become the star he is today. Tego Calderon also claims help from Coquito. Funny how not even his closest friends knew that he was a major drug czar on the island. Of course now the politicos deny having known him (despite one of them living next door to him), and those who do admit knowing him, deny knowledge of any shady dealings he may have been a part of. He was just this really nice guy, you know?

Anyway, I'm not making light of the tragedy that occured today. Nobody deserves to die that way. My deepest condolences to the family. But after watching the news, you just gotta wonder: how well do we know our neighbors?

9/11 Remembered

2006-09-11T19:18:00.000-04:00

Five years. To thinks it's been only five years. Seems like a lifetime ago when I heard the news about the towers. I think we all remember where we were and what we were doing when the first plane struck.

I was sitting in my office at the Caribe Girl Scout Council when I heard the DJ on AlfaRock say that a plane had crashed into the first tower. I was in disbelief. How could such an accident happen? My co-workers were reacting the same way.

Then the second plane struck.

Not an accident. No way. This was deliberate. The Pentagon too? A fourth in Pennsylvania? Holy crap!!! Now I was freaking out. SO were my co-workers. My wife called to tell me the news. Everyone was SO freaked!

Then the towers FELL.....

I went cold. It's unreal. I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept, and I have a VIVID imagination. I had to wait until I got home to see the video feeds. I can't remember whether I cried or not. I assume I did, but I was in such a state of shock you could have burned me alive and I wouldn't have noticed. This feeling went on for days and then weeks.

I found out that my cousin Sal worked on the 93rd floor, but thank God he wasn't there that morning. My other cousin Mark also worked there but was in Jersey visiting a client. Yet another cousin, Julie, was working somewhere on 5th Ave and 38th street, far from the collapse, but with all that smoke and dust she might have well been at Ground Zero. All of them were safe, but just thinking about losing them made me feel ill.

Later I found out that one of my clients had lost her niece there. She was trapped above the plane crash. She was a promising athlete. Volleyball I think. I learned that a very dear freind of mine, Wanda, also worked in the building. High up as it turned out. She wasn't there because she had to take her mom for a root canal. Twist of fate.

I myself felt weird since I had been to New York a few weeks before for the first time in 20 years. I imagined how it would have been if I had been there during the attacks. It still makes me ill.

I'm sure we've all heard of the miraculous accounts of those who barely escaped the collapse. I'm also sure that many more of us have lost someone we knew and/or loved that day. To you I offer my DEEPEST condolences.

I was watching the CBS special last night about the Engine house that just happened to be recording a documentary that day (twist of fate again). And right now I'm watching the reading of the names on NBC. Can't help but cry during all this. I even had to call my friend Wanda in New York just to bring a smile to both our faces in this saddest of days.

To all the heroes of that day, NYPD, NYFD, the volunteers and the New Yorkers that set the standard for human kindness and compassion....THANK YOU!!!!

To those who have perished that day, May God bless you and keep you. You are missed.

To everyone else, PLEASE let us never forget. Not just the victims of the towers, but the victims of the other two flights as well(we hardly mention them do we?).

I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER!!!!

Celmate Cellphone

2006-09-09T19:11:00.000-04:00

Heard on the radio the other day about one of the most outrageous things to ever happen in jail.

The Director of Correctional Facilities in Puerto Rico was talking about an inmate who got beaten to a pulp because his cellphone started ringing. Why?

It wasn't an offensive ringtone.
It wasn't interrupting someone's sleep.
It wasn't interrupting a sermon or movie.
So why?

Well for starters, cellphones are verbotten in jail. So obviously, when the phone started ringing, everyone wanted to get their hands on it to make a call outside. But where was the ringing coming from?

Turns out the culprit was sitting on his cellphone. More exactly, the cellphone was "roaming" up his butt!!! HUH???!!!!

This guy somehow smuggled a cellphone into jail, then shoved it up his butt to keep anyone from finding out he had one. Hmmm...must have been one of the smaller Razors or Nokia's. Could you imagine if this had happend 10 years ago when the cellphones were a LOT bulkier?!!! OUCH!!!

And how the hell was he supposed to talk on a phone that had been where no man had gone before (scratch that, he WAS in jail after all. What were the possibilities?)? Just thinking about the smell alone!!!

I wonder if he got good reception in that area?

(**A note to Japan and the cellphone manufacturers: Stop making these phones so small. There's no telling where they might end up.**)

Maybe next time he'll remember to have the courtesy to put it on vibrate.