A while back I won one of many prizes over the radio. You know how it goes, you call in, if you're the right caller with the right answer, you get a prize. I've won quite a few times these past months. From concert tickets to restaurant coupons. And then there was the full body massage at a spa.
Actually, I've won two of those. Naturally I gave one to my wife. She deserves the embarrassment, I mean, she deserves to relax.
As for me, Judith H. Christ!!! What an experience!!!
I showed up bright and early for my full treatment, not realizing just what was in store for me. First off my masseuse (a cute little female, thank God!) asks if I brought a bathing suit. No says I. No problem! She then hands me a disposable underwear and tells me to strip, put it on and then put on a nice terrycloth robe.
Hokay!
I go into the bathroom and change out of my clothes. I unwrap the tiny parcel that was supposedly the underwear, fully expecting it to be a boxers type affair. No such luck. The vixen had given me a G-string! I had a hard time figuring it out at first. I actually put it on backwards, but after noticing my nuts peaking out on either side of the thin paper strip, I realized my error. SO after putting it on correctly, I am now giving myself the ultimate wedgie! It was compounded when I had to stoop over to pick up my shoes. It was like being raped by dental floss!
I happened to look in the full body mirror they conveniently (and sadistically) placed in the bathroom. Now realize, gentle reader, that I am by no means an Adonis. I am 5'5" and 200lbs of hairy, I MEAN HAIRY!!! male. I looked in the mirror and basically saw a short wookie in a G-string. Picture Chewbacca in a thong. Star Wars will never be the same for me.
I immediately wrap myself up in the robe and step out into the world. The girl sweetly hands me a bowl of gelatinous gunk and tells me to step into the shower and spread this all over my body. This is the exfoliation process. Gets rid of all the dead skin. So far no problem. I rub and scrub and get my skin all nice and soft. She then directs me to the sauna and hands me a towel, and tells me I am to lay there for half an hour. I never knew I could sweat so much.
So after being slow-cooked in the pressure cooker, I wash down again and am led to a small dimly lit room for my massage. She stands to one side of the massage table and holds up a large towel, blocking her face, and tells me to lie down face up. I strip and lie down as instructed, all the while thinking I am about to have an embarrassing moment. I was fully expecting to make a tent out of the towel over my body as she very sensuously began to rub me down. Fortunately nothing of the sort happened. Either by embarrassment or sheer force of will, I'll never know. She covered my eyes with a towel so I could presumably relax even more. I think she just didn't me to see her reaction at having to massage a walking shag carpet. I was actually getting relaxed.
She then pulls back the towel, covering her face again, and tells me to roll over.
HELLO!!! Stress is back!!!
Now my G-string, strangled ass is pointing straight up to the heavens. I actually laughed out loud and commented that I was definitely feeling a cold draft down there. I asked her how women could wear these tiny pieces of strangle-cord. She said you get used to it after a while.
So there I am, face down with most of my back exposed. I can just imagine the look on her face when she saw all the hair on my body. I actually feel sorry for her. She nevertheless began to massage my body part by part. I was a bit surprised when she actually started to massage my butt cheeks. Poor kid's gonna need therapy herself after all this.
So she finally finishes and has me put on my clothes and I'm off to face the world again, supposedly more relaxed than when I came in. And to tell the truth, I was more relaxed, except for my face. I never really managed to wipe the stupid grin from my face during the entire massage.
I can only imagine how the poor girl was laughing about HER ordeal with the g-string wearing Sasquatch! I can't wait to hear from my wife about her experiences at the spa.
