Fashion Craze

I know this is old hat for some of you, but I just HAVE to put my two cents in about this.

What the hell is wrong with people today and their insistence on wearing clothes that are totally inappropriate for their body types, ages and even gender?

Case #1:

I go to the nearby mall on occasion to browse the stores and generally do some people watching. I almost ALWAYS see some kind of fat woman wearing spandex/lycra pants in a bright color (usually orange or yellow or sometimes white), a tight t-shirt that can or can not have a v-neck (more on this feature below), and to top it all off...some kind of day-glow colored underwear that just screams at you from underneath the pants. These underwear can be regular bikini panties but more often than not they're a G-string. In the case of a G-string however, the fat assed lady most definitely has a "whale tail" showing above the edge of her pants. Sometimes it isn't even a G-string showing but her regular panties have rolled-up her ass to resemble a G-string.

OWWWWW!!!!! MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!!!

Case #2:
The above mentioned t-shirts. I'm all for the phrase "If you got 'em, flaunt 'em". Hey I'm a guy after all. But there has got to be a limit to what you can flaunt. The same fat lady as above, with a v-neck t-shirt and size 44DD breasts. That size might be attractive on some girls, but not when they HANG like over-filled water balloons!!!!

Case #3:
The same fat broad with a t-shirt that doesn't completely cover her ample stomachs (yes, STOMACHS! Only a cow can have that many udders hanging from it). And she's still wearing those damned lycras!!!!

Addendum:
I worked recently at a university as a Financial Aid Facilitator. I helped the kids fill out out their FAFSA's. One girl came up to me to fill out her forms. She was a prime example of what I've described so far. She was beyond black. She was one of those purple skinned negroes (I have nothing against blacks, browns or any other color.). She was wearing tight jeans that were practically screaming for mercy (this is what I call a "5-3 girl". An ass 5 sizes too big in pants 3 sizes too small). She had a t-shirt that didn't quite make it all the way down (or over) her stomach. She looked like a giant chocalate muffin the way her stomach was squeezed over her jeans. She had a belly button ring on a belly button that looked like someone had punched a hole in a foam pillow. It looked like she was holding her car keys in there. Her t-shirt was stretched over a set of hanging water balloons (see above) and had the word "Princess" on it. And she was UGLY to boot. She could give the Devil nightmares!
I was required to ask this fashion guru what her email was. She said in Spanish, "Sexy Chick 69@.....". I almost threw up right there. The imagery alone... I gotta admire her self esteem though...

Case #4:
I've actually seen this. An old guy walking down the street in plaid shorts, a tank-top, black shoes and black socks, usually wearing suspenders as well. Who dresses the elderly?! I once saw an old guy dressed like this but in his BOXER SHORTS!!!!

Case #5:
I once worked with a woman who wore a black slip (the ones you wear UNDER your dress) without a dress over it. She swore it was an elegant evening gown. This is the same woman who would come to work wearing a skirt that was obviously meant to have the slits cut on the sides to show off her legs. Instead she had it rotated 90 degrees to show off her crotch.

Case #6:
What's with teenagers wearing their pants below their belt line? I've seen guys walking around with their pants nearly falling off their asses while showing off 90% of their boxers or briefs. Believe me guys, showing off your skid marks isn't attractive.

Case #7:
Middle-aged woman and above should NOT wear halter tops, tube tops or go braless. No explanations needed. This goes double for the girls with 44DD's. And while I'm on the topic of halter tops, please ladies, make sure your equipment fits the top. I've seen girls walking around with halter tops that are just a waste of cloth on them. I mean you must have at least an A cup to wear a halter, otherwise you're just a boy going drag.
The same applies for girls with slightly more breasts. Still small but more visible. They wear halters that are obviously meant for a woman with more than a B-cup. As a result we're getting nipple shots every 5 seconds. Not that I'd usually object to a free peep show, but more often than not, the show isn't all that good to begin with. (Pancakes come to mind...)

I could go on forever on this topic, but I think I made my point.

Now I need to get some Visine. My eyes hurt from the strain....

Tracking Down Old Friends

Recently I ran into an old high school friend. I hadn't seen her in 27 years. Being the scoundrel that I am, I just walked up to her in an arts and crafts fair we were both at and told her where she had studied. Of course her first reaction was "Who are you, and are you following me?". Follwed closely by a "Are you a Fed?" She belongs to the Puertorrican Nationalist movement, hence her apprehension.

Needless to say she was shocked that I had managed to recognize her after so many years. Especially since she wasn't in my class but two years ahead of me (she was 4th year I was 2nd). When I did some name dropping of some of her fellow classmates, she finally relaxed a bit (the fact that I was wearing dark shades, black pants & t-shirt, plus I'm pretty stocky wasn't helping much. Let's face it, I am a bit intimidating).

We spent the remainder of the week comparing notes and sharing anecdotes. I kept freaking her out with little details of her past that she thought NO ONE would have remembered, let alone me. Her husband was enjoying every minute of it.

Which brings to the fore my main problem: I have an exceptionally good memory. My wife can't remember everybody that went to school with us. She barely remembers our own classmates never mind other schoolmates. But me, I can recognize EVERYBODY despite the weight gain/loss, wrinkles, hair colorings (natural and otherwise), etc.

Another case. Today, on a whim fueled by a dream, I decided to track down an old California buddy of mine. Haven't sen him in over 17 years, 10 years sooner than my classmate, but still a long time ago.

So I sat down on my PC, did a search on his name and came across some 2000 hits. Not good. Narrowed down the search to a certain word he used to use and came up with some 1500 hits. Came across an interesting site that had some familiar details about his life and what not. Did some judicious "hacking" and finally found a photo of my old compadre. I found out that he had an account on Ebay and tracked him down there. Sent him an email.

The reaction was the same I get whenever I recognize an old friend somewhere: "How the hell did you find me?!!!". As if I was some kind of US Marshall tracking down David Jansen in the Fugitive (Harrison Ford in the newer version for you Yuppies).

I don't know, I get a kick out of finding old friends like this. Hell I tracked down my oldest friend all the way down in Mexico. Nearly gave him a coronary when I did. I mean for Pete's sake, I've known him since I was 12 years old and we hadn't seen each other since '86. But I tracked him down. Convinced him to come back to PR with his new wife and daughter. We still keep in touch. I even tracked down some of graduating class. We have an email group that keeps growing the more people I track down. Whenever someone comes to PR, I organize a little reunion with those of us still on the island. We all have great times then.

So basically what I'm saying is, remember your old friends. Keep track of them if you can. If not, try using Google. The surprise you give them will keep you both chuckling for a looong time. But most importantly, it's good to know that friendship, especially the good ones, doesn't fade with time. Just so long as you remember who your friends are.

Power of the Press

Saw this on the NBC News this morning and it made me laugh for hours despite the tragic note.

A 52 year-old grandmother was found stabbed to death in her home in The Bronx. Tragic, yes. Upon interviewing the neighbors, the response was one you always see in these cases:

"She was a very sweet old lady who did whatever she could to help out her neighbors"...yadda yadda yadda. You can always expect to get that kind of comment whenever someone is murdered. The person is always the salt of the earth and all. Something similar happens when they arrest someone for being a mass murderer: "He was such a nice boy, a quiet neighbor, very friendly, etc, etc et al".

But back to the case in point.

Literally in the same breath it took to say that this grandmother was a sweet neighbor, the newswoman reported that drug paraphenalia was found in her home and it was unclear wheteher it belonged to the victim or the assailant. WTF!!!???

When did she go from being Granny Goodness to being a drug dealer??!!! What, was she making crystal meth in her kitchen? Was she cooking up Extasy? It raises some questions, no doubt. Just how was she able to help out her neighbors, hmmm? Was she well connected?

I'm sure some people watching the news this morning didn't catch the drug reference. Unfortunately, I did. So did my wife. We both pulled a Scooby Doo (HRUUUHHH?!!) and just stared at the TV set for a second. I'm sure there could be thousands of reasons why the old lady had drug paraphenalia in her house, I don't think it belonged to the assailant though. I mean, why would he have his stuff in her house anyway? It's a weird case and I hope they solve it soon if only to clear the poor woman's reputation.

It's kind of like a case here in PR. A man named "Coquito" was found murdered. EVERYBODY knew him. He was a "shining pillar of the community". He helped politicians in their campaigns, he got Don Omar the help and finances he needed to become the star he is today. Tego Calderon also claims help from Coquito. Funny how not even his closest friends knew that he was a major drug czar on the island. Of course now the politicos deny having known him (despite one of them living next door to him), and those who do admit knowing him, deny knowledge of any shady dealings he may have been a part of. He was just this really nice guy, you know?

Anyway, I'm not making light of the tragedy that occured today. Nobody deserves to die that way. My deepest condolences to the family. But after watching the news, you just gotta wonder: how well do we know our neighbors?

9/11 Remembered

Five years. To thinks it's been only five years. Seems like a lifetime ago when I heard the news about the towers. I think we all remember where we were and what we were doing when the first plane struck.

I was sitting in my office at the Caribe Girl Scout Council when I heard the DJ on AlfaRock say that a plane had crashed into the first tower. I was in disbelief. How could such an accident happen? My co-workers were reacting the same way.

Then the second plane struck.

Not an accident. No way. This was deliberate. The Pentagon too? A fourth in Pennsylvania? Holy crap!!! Now I was freaking out. SO were my co-workers. My wife called to tell me the news. Everyone was SO freaked!

Then the towers FELL.....

I went cold. It's unreal. I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept, and I have a VIVID imagination. I had to wait until I got home to see the video feeds. I can't remember whether I cried or not. I assume I did, but I was in such a state of shock you could have burned me alive and I wouldn't have noticed. This feeling went on for days and then weeks.

I found out that my cousin Sal worked on the 93rd floor, but thank God he wasn't there that morning. My other cousin Mark also worked there but was in Jersey visiting a client. Yet another cousin, Julie, was working somewhere on 5th Ave and 38th street, far from the collapse, but with all that smoke and dust she might have well been at Ground Zero. All of them were safe, but just thinking about losing them made me feel ill.

Later I found out that one of my clients had lost her niece there. She was trapped above the plane crash. She was a promising athlete. Volleyball I think. I learned that a very dear freind of mine, Wanda, also worked in the building. High up as it turned out. She wasn't there because she had to take her mom for a root canal. Twist of fate.

I myself felt weird since I had been to New York a few weeks before for the first time in 20 years. I imagined how it would have been if I had been there during the attacks. It still makes me ill.

I'm sure we've all heard of the miraculous accounts of those who barely escaped the collapse. I'm also sure that many more of us have lost someone we knew and/or loved that day. To you I offer my DEEPEST condolences.

I was watching the CBS special last night about the Engine house that just happened to be recording a documentary that day (twist of fate again). And right now I'm watching the reading of the names on NBC. Can't help but cry during all this. I even had to call my friend Wanda in New York just to bring a smile to both our faces in this saddest of days.

To all the heroes of that day, NYPD, NYFD, the volunteers and the New Yorkers that set the standard for human kindness and compassion....THANK YOU!!!!

To those who have perished that day, May God bless you and keep you. You are missed.

To everyone else, PLEASE let us never forget. Not just the victims of the towers, but the victims of the other two flights as well(we hardly mention them do we?).

I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER!!!!

Celmate Cellphone

Heard on the radio the other day about one of the most outrageous things to ever happen in jail.

The Director of Correctional Facilities in Puerto Rico was talking about an inmate who got beaten to a pulp because his cellphone started ringing. Why?

It wasn't an offensive ringtone.
It wasn't interrupting someone's sleep.
It wasn't interrupting a sermon or movie.
So why?

Well for starters, cellphones are verbotten in jail. So obviously, when the phone started ringing, everyone wanted to get their hands on it to make a call outside. But where was the ringing coming from?

Turns out the culprit was sitting on his cellphone. More exactly, the cellphone was "roaming" up his butt!!! HUH???!!!!

This guy somehow smuggled a cellphone into jail, then shoved it up his butt to keep anyone from finding out he had one. Hmmm...must have been one of the smaller Razors or Nokia's. Could you imagine if this had happend 10 years ago when the cellphones were a LOT bulkier?!!! OUCH!!!

And how the hell was he supposed to talk on a phone that had been where no man had gone before (scratch that, he WAS in jail after all. What were the possibilities?)? Just thinking about the smell alone!!!

I wonder if he got good reception in that area?

(**A note to Japan and the cellphone manufacturers: Stop making these phones so small. There's no telling where they might end up.**)

Maybe next time he'll remember to have the courtesy to put it on vibrate.