A New Clothing Law Proposal

Yeah, yeah...I know....the same old rant about the way some women dress. I can't help it. Some of the women I see out there are genuine nightmares of fashion. Case in point for this week:

We went to Sizzler for dinner the other day. Along comes a LARGE... L A R G E woman in a (get this) ZEBRA PRINT DRESS!!!! I could actually hear the theme song from Wild Kingdom in the background. She actually looked like a zebra from behind. Of course she's eating at the all-you-can-eat buffet at Sizzler. You do the math.

Another woman was wearing a leopard-skin spandex suit. You guessed it, she was HUGE!!!

Two tables beyond her was sitting another LARGE woman. This one was wearing tight jeans which made her belly squeeze out of the top like a blueberry muffin. (I'll never eat muffins again!). Her blouse was high on the belly and low on the decoulletage. What scared me was that when she stood up, she looked like she was packing male tackle. She looked like she actually had a hard-on!!!

MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!

Yesterday, I was leaving an office building when this 270 lb woman passed by wearing a white mini-skirt that rode mid-thigh and flared out loosely. So loosely, that when the wind blew, her skirt rose above her ample hips and revealed her red g-string panties to all in the immediate area. I think I actually heard someone throw up (although that could have been me). Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me. It was a classic shot! Picture Rosie O'Donnell in those clothes. Exactly my reaction!!!

On the bus the other day a HUMUNGOUS woman got on the bus and sat down across from me. She had to have something like 999 DDD's they were so huge. She took up two seats and her boyfriend sat next (?) to her. Her blouse was of the low cleavage variety, although on her it was GREATLY exagerated. I happened to sneak a peek at what she was so blatantly showing. It looked to me like a giant papaya (the spiny variety). It had these strange black dots all over it. They weren't freckles, more like stretched-out black-heads (Eeeeewww!!!!). I was both repulsed and fascinated at the same time.

All this brings me to the following proposal: Create a law that prohibits stores from selling certain clothes to ugly people.

• If you're 250lbs and want to by a spandex mini-skirt? Sorry, law forbids me from selling you that.
• You're overweight and want to buy an animal print dress? Only if you're going to Africa with a suicide wish.
• You have a fat ass and want to buy hiphugger jeans and a g-string? Someone call the cops! (Special dispensations made depending on the actual ass to waist ratio)
  
• Cut-off t-shirt and big belly? No can do.
• You want to buy a t-shirt that says "Sexy" or something along similar lines? Only if you are sexy, otherwise it's just plain false advertising.

And you guys don't get off easy either:

• No plaid shorts and black dress socks with sandals.
• No jogging shorts if you have a 10" or longer schlong or inflamed testicles (I've seen this)
• No spandex shorts in public unless you're going to perform a ballet.
• Only allowed to wear pants that go all the way over your ass crack (Especially plumbers)

I accept that under these laws even I would have troubles buying certain clothes, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice. If I'm forced to wear clothes that honestly make me look good for the body type I have, I'm all for it. But please, let's put a stop to this visual pollution.

MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!!

Should we return the money? An Answer to the Kongaloid

I recently got an email from my Kongaloid brother, Steve, regarding the wonderful checks Dubya said he's authorizing for all of us this coming May. (For a full view of what Steve's comments are, check out his great BLOG at www.kongaloid.org). The following was my reply to him and to anyone else who might be interested.

Politcal values aside, I never thought that PR should become an independent nation. We'd never survive it. We have no real gross product except coffee and sugar and even THAT we import from other countries (WTF?). The only thing we have to offer other countries, that would actually hold their interest, is beautiful women in skimpy underwear. VIVE LE WHALE-TAIL!!!!

Of course that means we'd have to turn all our women into prostitutes. I wouldn't want to be the guy to tell them that.

No, PR can't go indie.

I agree with you though. Those indies who claim to be so "hard-core" SHOULD give the $ back. Better yet, spread it amongst those of us who actually LIKE uncle Sam, especially when he gives us candy (like all our favorite uncles do). That way they don't have to accept any of the dirty American mulah, and they don't have to go to the trouble of buying a US stamp to send back the money.

So to sum it all up in one, kongaloidal word......

POOFLAH!!!!!