I just received the following email from one of my favorite cousins. Please read through and read my response at the end.

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The following was supposedly written by a housewife from New Jersey and sounds like it! This is one ticked off lady. It's too bad that more Americans don't express themselves as she does. I totally agree with her.

Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated' when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I don't. I don't care at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for chopping off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide .

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured: I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed 'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you guessed it-I don't care !!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior!

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add:

'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem' -- Ronald Reagan

I have another quote that I would like to add AND.......I hope you forward all this.

'If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.' Also by.. Ronald Reagan

One last thought for the day:

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember. England's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America , he said: 'A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out.'

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET BOTH OF THEM

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I'm sorry Cuz, but I have issue with this crap.

The bimbo who wrote this says she doesn't care about just about everything related to the muslims, Iraqis etc. She shows no care or respect for the religious icons of other races. And in the same breath she states the "One nation under God" phrase and "Jesus died for us yada yada yada".

That last part is the ONLY thing I have to agree with.

I am the first to admit that as a Christian I am sorely lacking. However, I don't believe Jesus died for our sins just so that we could continue sinning with impunity. KILLING is still killing. If it makes you feel more comfortable to disguise it under the ruse of "defending one's country", sorry, it's still killing. I don't know what number it is, but I'm pretty sure that's one of top five commandments at least. And how exactly do you "defend" your country while your in someone else's country? In soccer you don't defend your opponent's goal. Same goes for basketball, football and most other sports. You defend on your home turf not somewhere else.

All men are created equal. That's in our Declaration of Independence. But sometimes I feel that that document was written by George Orwell rather than Thomas Jefferson. All men are created equal...but some are more equal than others. We'll tolerate other people's beliefs just so long as they are the same as ours. If someone chooses to worship Buddha or Mohammed or Allah, we so-called "Christians" call them pagans, heretics or non-believers. Where's that "brotherly love" we're so fond of espousing?

The same goes for Americans (and yes, I consider myself one). We're friends with everybody just so long as they have the same beliefs and standards we do. Whoever doesn't fit our blueprint of a "friendly nation" has to suffer our interference with their handling of their culture. Viet-Nam, Korea, Falkinds, Kuwait, Bosnia, Afghanistan, Iraq...see a pattern here? We just can't help but stick our noses into other countries' business. Then we act surprised whenever some maniac commits an act of terrorism against us.

Granted, 9-11 was a horrible tragedy. It shouldn't have happened. We were warned. No one paid attention. We continued to stick our noses where it doesn't belong. So what do we do in response? We go and attack another nation for HOUSING the terrorist responsible for the attack. Oh but wait! This other country has a baaaaad man ruling it and he said some baaaad things about us. Let's go bomb HIS country and take him down. After all, his beliefs aren't our own. They aren't like us. They're not even Christians!!! Forget the fact that that country is the cradle of civilization. And to make sure all the other baaad men get the message, let's hang this guy and celebrate while he's still swinging from the end of a rope. After all, we're AMERICANS, we're always in the right, and that's the "Christian" thing to do. It's justice, right?

And where are we now? Thanks to our meddling in other people's affairs and bringing OUR definition of what's RIGHT to a foreign country, we are now suffering a recession. Gas prices are at an all-time high and are STILL climbing. We had to borrow billions from China so that we could spend money to stimulate our flagging economy (by buying items made in China. Who benefits?)

And not to be repetitious, but I've been forwarded emails about our schools forbidding God and prayers etc. How the HELL can any so-called American DARE to sermon against other countries and their so-called "heathen" ways, when we don't even believe in God anymore?

I wonder. What would have become of America if the REAL AMERICANS had retaliated in this way against the people who came and stole their lands, killed their people and forced their "Christian" views on them? In my book, these so-called red-blooded Americans performed acts of terrorism against the red-blooded, red SKINNED Americans. No one "punished" them.

In Spanish we have a saying: "Predicando moral en pantaletas". Loosely translated, Preaching moral values while in your underwear.

That's what this woman is doing. That's what a lot of Americans are doing. And I won't stand for it.

WE ARE ALL GOD'S KIDS. He made us all, not just some. And whether some people call him Yahweh, Jehova, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Green Man, Keeper or whatever, He's still GOD!

And I don't think He's really very happy with what we've been doing lately.

Sorry if I come across too strongly. I just hate hypocrisy. And before you ask, yes, I served in the US Army. I have the rank of 2nd Lieutenant. I am also a conscientious objector. Main reason I didn't pursue a career in the military. Like I said before, killing is killing no matter how you justify it.

My two cents.

A Solution to the Rising Costs of Gasoline

As of the time of this posting, oil is now at $137/barrel. Gas is somewhere around $3.83 a gallon. And the worst is, the numbers keep rising with no end in sight.

Lots of talk has been bandied about regarding alternative fuel sources. Ethanol, methanol, hydrogen to name the most popular ones.

The rise in ethanol production has now caused a shortage on grains, causing a food shortage where there should be none. Walmart limits the purchase of rice to one bag per customer. This is just a preview of the crap that is to come.

Now I have an idea for an alternative fuel source that is readily available and get this: FREE!!! That's right ladies and gents, FREE!!! What is this miraculous fuel source? Believe it or not, its urine.

Yep, urine, pee, piss, kidney byproduct.

Now before you start wrinkling your noses in disgust, think about it. The chemical components of urine are what? Nitrogen and ammonia. What do race cars use to get a burst of speed? Nitrous Oxide. It seems to me that if we can find a way to build an engine that takes regular nitrogen and converts it to fuel we'll shoot the fuel problem dead in its tracks.

All you have to do is piss directly into the tank and you can go wherever you want. OK the ladies are complaining that they can't actually stand up and piss into the tank like us guys. For the ladies we can set up a funnel device that provides comfort and privacy (you can do it without getting out of the vehicle). Instead of going to the toilet and flushing it all away, you can instead flush it into a holding/processing tank for later consumption. You can have your own fueling station in your driveway!!!

Sure, the smell would be a bit worse than the smell at a regular gas station, but anyone who's walked by a dark alley has smelled the aroma before. We can adapt and get used to it. After all, IT'S FREE!

Also think of the benefits. You can save money on medical visits. Just go to the gas station and have the attendant check your levels.

"You're about a quart low, your triglycerides are a bit high, you HDL, VDL and LDL are all within normal parameters but your glucose is a bit high."

Of course, for those diehard drivers of high performance vehicles, regular fuel just doesn't cut it. They need PREMIUM. For them we'd have to find a way to process CRAP! Which brings us back to methanol...

But that's a whole 'nother story.....

LifeLock Fails to Live Up to its Hype

To start with, here's a snippet from a report from Associated Press today:

SAN JOSE, Calif. - Todd Davis has dared criminals for two years to try stealing his identity: Ads for his fraud-prevention company, LifeLock, even offer his Social Security number next to his smiling mug.
Customers in Maryland, New Jersey and West Virginia are suing Davis, claiming his service didn't work as promised and he knew it wouldn't, because the service had failed even him.

All I have to say about this is: BWAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've said it from DAY 1. This guy is just asking to have his ass handed to him on a silver platter. I was hoping, NAY PRAYING, that some hacker would come and beat his stupid challenge. And someone finally did. Actually, 87 someones:

Davis acknowledged in an interview with The Associated Press that his stunt has led to at least 87 instances in which people have tried to steal his identity, and one succeeded: a guy in Texas who duped an online payday loan operation last year into giving him $500 using Davis' Social Security number.

People this dumb shouldn't be allowed outdoors, let alone run a large business such as this. I can only attribute his stupidity to inbreeding. No one in his right mind would ever set himself up for failure like this. Now he's got people suing him for the $1 million dollar guarantee because their asses got fried too.

Get it through your head, no one can guarantee the safety of your identity but you. But don't take my word for it:

Paul Stephens, director of policy and advocacy with the Privacy Rights Clearinghouse, a nonprofit consumer advocacy organization says:

"There is no company that can guarantee they can protect you (completely) against identity theft. Absolutely nobody can do that."

'Nuff said!

Massage Madness!

A while back I won one of many prizes over the radio. You know how it goes, you call in, if you're the right caller with the right answer, you get a prize. I've won quite a few times these past months. From concert tickets to restaurant coupons. And then there was the full body massage at a spa.

Actually, I've won two of those. Naturally I gave one to my wife. She deserves the embarrassment, I mean, she deserves to relax.

As for me, Judith H. Christ!!! What an experience!!!

I showed up bright and early for my full treatment, not realizing just what was in store for me. First off my masseuse (a cute little female, thank God!) asks if I brought a bathing suit. No says I. No problem! She then hands me a disposable underwear and tells me to strip, put it on and then put on a nice terrycloth robe.

Hokay!

I go into the bathroom and change out of my clothes. I unwrap the tiny parcel that was supposedly the underwear, fully expecting it to be a boxers type affair. No such luck. The vixen had given me a G-string! I had a hard time figuring it out at first. I actually put it on backwards, but after noticing my nuts peaking out on either side of the thin paper strip, I realized my error. SO after putting it on correctly, I am now giving myself the ultimate wedgie! It was compounded when I had to stoop over to pick up my shoes. It was like being raped by dental floss!

I happened to look in the full body mirror they conveniently (and sadistically) placed in the bathroom. Now realize, gentle reader, that I am by no means an Adonis. I am 5'5" and 200lbs of hairy, I MEAN HAIRY!!! male. I looked in the mirror and basically saw a short wookie in a G-string. Picture Chewbacca in a thong. Star Wars will never be the same for me.

I immediately wrap myself up in the robe and step out into the world. The girl sweetly hands me a bowl of gelatinous gunk and tells me to step into the shower and spread this all over my body. This is the exfoliation process. Gets rid of all the dead skin. So far no problem. I rub and scrub and get my skin all nice and soft. She then directs me to the sauna and hands me a towel, and tells me I am to lay there for half an hour. I never knew I could sweat so much.

So after being slow-cooked in the pressure cooker, I wash down again and am led to a small dimly lit room for my massage. She stands to one side of the massage table and holds up a large towel, blocking her face, and tells me to lie down face up. I strip and lie down as instructed, all the while thinking I am about to have an embarrassing moment. I was fully expecting to make a tent out of the towel over my body as she very sensuously began to rub me down. Fortunately nothing of the sort happened. Either by embarrassment or sheer force of will, I'll never know. She covered my eyes with a towel so I could presumably relax even more. I think she just didn't me to see her reaction at having to massage a walking shag carpet. I was actually getting relaxed.

She then pulls back the towel, covering her face again, and tells me to roll over.

HELLO!!! Stress is back!!!

Now my G-string, strangled ass is pointing straight up to the heavens. I actually laughed out loud and commented that I was definitely feeling a cold draft down there. I asked her how women could wear these tiny pieces of strangle-cord. She said you get used to it after a while.

So there I am, face down with most of my back exposed. I can just imagine the look on her face when she saw all the hair on my body. I actually feel sorry for her. She nevertheless began to massage my body part by part. I was a bit surprised when she actually started to massage my butt cheeks. Poor kid's gonna need therapy herself after all this.

So she finally finishes and has me put on my clothes and I'm off to face the world again, supposedly more relaxed than when I came in. And to tell the truth, I was more relaxed, except for my face. I never really managed to wipe the stupid grin from my face during the entire massage.

I can only imagine how the poor girl was laughing about HER ordeal with the g-string wearing Sasquatch! I can't wait to hear from my wife about her experiences at the spa.

A New Clothing Law Proposal

Yeah, yeah...I know....the same old rant about the way some women dress. I can't help it. Some of the women I see out there are genuine nightmares of fashion. Case in point for this week:

We went to Sizzler for dinner the other day. Along comes a LARGE... L A R G E woman in a (get this) ZEBRA PRINT DRESS!!!! I could actually hear the theme song from Wild Kingdom in the background. She actually looked like a zebra from behind. Of course she's eating at the all-you-can-eat buffet at Sizzler. You do the math.

Another woman was wearing a leopard-skin spandex suit. You guessed it, she was HUGE!!!

Two tables beyond her was sitting another LARGE woman. This one was wearing tight jeans which made her belly squeeze out of the top like a blueberry muffin. (I'll never eat muffins again!). Her blouse was high on the belly and low on the decoulletage. What scared me was that when she stood up, she looked like she was packing male tackle. She looked like she actually had a hard-on!!!

MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!

Yesterday, I was leaving an office building when this 270 lb woman passed by wearing a white mini-skirt that rode mid-thigh and flared out loosely. So loosely, that when the wind blew, her skirt rose above her ample hips and revealed her red g-string panties to all in the immediate area. I think I actually heard someone throw up (although that could have been me). Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me. It was a classic shot! Picture Rosie O'Donnell in those clothes. Exactly my reaction!!!

On the bus the other day a HUMUNGOUS woman got on the bus and sat down across from me. She had to have something like 999 DDD's they were so huge. She took up two seats and her boyfriend sat next (?) to her. Her blouse was of the low cleavage variety, although on her it was GREATLY exagerated. I happened to sneak a peek at what she was so blatantly showing. It looked to me like a giant papaya (the spiny variety). It had these strange black dots all over it. They weren't freckles, more like stretched-out black-heads (Eeeeewww!!!!). I was both repulsed and fascinated at the same time.

All this brings me to the following proposal: Create a law that prohibits stores from selling certain clothes to ugly people.

• If you're 250lbs and want to by a spandex mini-skirt? Sorry, law forbids me from selling you that.
• You're overweight and want to buy an animal print dress? Only if you're going to Africa with a suicide wish.
• You have a fat ass and want to buy hiphugger jeans and a g-string? Someone call the cops! (Special dispensations made depending on the actual ass to waist ratio)
  
• Cut-off t-shirt and big belly? No can do.
• You want to buy a t-shirt that says "Sexy" or something along similar lines? Only if you are sexy, otherwise it's just plain false advertising.

And you guys don't get off easy either:

• No plaid shorts and black dress socks with sandals.
• No jogging shorts if you have a 10" or longer schlong or inflamed testicles (I've seen this)
• No spandex shorts in public unless you're going to perform a ballet.
• Only allowed to wear pants that go all the way over your ass crack (Especially plumbers)

I accept that under these laws even I would have troubles buying certain clothes, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice. If I'm forced to wear clothes that honestly make me look good for the body type I have, I'm all for it. But please, let's put a stop to this visual pollution.

MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!!

Should we return the money? An Answer to the Kongaloid

I recently got an email from my Kongaloid brother, Steve, regarding the wonderful checks Dubya said he's authorizing for all of us this coming May. (For a full view of what Steve's comments are, check out his great BLOG at www.kongaloid.org). The following was my reply to him and to anyone else who might be interested.

Politcal values aside, I never thought that PR should become an independent nation. We'd never survive it. We have no real gross product except coffee and sugar and even THAT we import from other countries (WTF?). The only thing we have to offer other countries, that would actually hold their interest, is beautiful women in skimpy underwear. VIVE LE WHALE-TAIL!!!!

Of course that means we'd have to turn all our women into prostitutes. I wouldn't want to be the guy to tell them that.

No, PR can't go indie.

I agree with you though. Those indies who claim to be so "hard-core" SHOULD give the $ back. Better yet, spread it amongst those of us who actually LIKE uncle Sam, especially when he gives us candy (like all our favorite uncles do). That way they don't have to accept any of the dirty American mulah, and they don't have to go to the trouble of buying a US stamp to send back the money.

So to sum it all up in one, kongaloidal word......

POOFLAH!!!!!