Invasion of the Geriatric Accordion Players

For what seems like a couple of years now, I've noticed a strange event going on in various malls here in Puerto Rico.

Usually I see this old man with an accordion walking through the food court of a mall playing some unrecognizable piece of music while making faces like Carlos Santana squeezing notes out of his guitar. He would walk S-L-O-W-L-Y through the court looking for tips and looking like he was on the verge of a music induced orgasm.

At first, this annoying old man would just be confined to the one mall. Then one day I saw him at another major mall doing exactly the same thing. I thought to myself, "The old man really gets around."

It wasn't until I saw him at yet ANOTHER mall that I started to get a bit concerned. Was he following me? Was he *GASP* some kind of clone? Could there be some kind of alien invasion going on? Are aliens using strange accordion music to somehow turn our brains to mush?!

Then one day I really freaked out. I went to the mall where I had originally seen the old man. There he was, grinding away like a geriatric Weird Al Yankovic. I got out of there as fast as I could and made my way to another mall. Lo and behold! There he was again!!! What the heck?!

What really got to me was later that night I went to yet ANOTHER mall closer to my home and , yes, you guessed it, THERE HE WAS AGAIN!!!

So, my theory is this: either he's hitching a ride in the trunk of my car unbeknownst to me, or...

WE'RE BEING INVADED BY ACCORDION PLAYING ALIEN CLONES!!!!!!

Confessions at an All You Can Eat Buffet

Recently my family and I went for diner at an All You Can Eat Buffet place whose name rhymes with Twizzler.
Anyway, my wife goes to the food bar to fill up her plate and comes back trying miserably to stifle some laughter. Seems that some guy confessed to her that, in his opinion, eating there was the best possible deal. After all, $9.99 per person and all the food you can stuff down your gullet? Of course it's a good deal. So much so that he confessed that he had been there for over 2 hours doing just that.

My wife pointed the guy out to me while he was walking back to his table with yet another plate of food. It got me to thinking, just how many food combinations can you come up with? How many different ways can you eat fried chicken, pork chops and macaronis?

While I was contemplating the mysteries of buffet combinations, the man culpable for my thoughts got up from his table contentedly rubbing his protruding belly with both hands while walking towards...yep...the bathroom. After a few minutes in the john, he comes out, goes to his table and...yep...gets another plate and proceeds to make his way back to the food bar. And again, starts to pile more food on his plate. By now he is entering his 3rd hour of face-stuffing.

I couldn't help notice the guys behind the counter looking in confusion at the empty trays of food they had just placed there not 2 minutes before. Their looks said, "Whaddaya mean there's no more fried chicken? I Just put a whole tray-full out there! What? No pork chops either? No macaronis? Hey, where'd all the biscuits go?!!"

When the time came for my family to leave the establishment, we had to pass by his table on the way out. We couldn't help overhear him telling the couple at the table next to his the exact same story he had told my wife, while happily shoveling MORE food into his mouth. Meanwhile I happened to glance at the woman who I can only assume was his wife sitting next to him. The poor woman seemed almost embarrassed to be there (although she seemed to have a few empty plates of her own in front of her).

For all we know the man is still there today, eating everything in sight.